Oftentimes we impede our Kids growth. We put ourselves exactly where we shouldn’t be: in the middle of their problems. Parents who take on their Kid’s problems do them a great disservice. They rob their children of the chance to grow in responsibility, and they actually foster further irresponsible behavior. The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that with God’s help, they can always look first to themselves for the answers to their problems. Kids who develop an attitude that says, I can probably find my own solutions, become survivors. They have an edge in Learning, relating to others, and making their way in the World. That’s because the best solution to any problem lies within the person who owns the problem. When we solve problems for our Kids-the ones they could handle on their own-they’re never quite satisfied. Our solution is never quite good enough.
When we tell our Kids what to do, deep down they say,I can think for myself, so oftentimes they do the exact opposite of what we want them to do. Our anger doesn’t help either. Certainly, it galls us to no end when our kids mess up something in their own Lives. When they lose school-books or bring home failing grades, it’s only natural for us to explode in a living, breathing Fourth of July display. But anytime we explode at Children for what they do to themselves, we only make the problem worse. We give Kids the the message that the actual, logical consequence of messing up is making adults mad. The children gets swept away in the power of their anger rather than learn a lesson from the consequences of their mistakes. When we intrude into our children’s Problems with anger or rescue mission, we make their problems our problems. Children don’t worry about problems they know are the concern of their Parents. This can be explained partly by the “no sense in both of us worrying about it” syndrome. Kids who deal directly with their own problems are moved to solve them. They know that if they don’t, nobody will. Not their parents not their teachers- nobody. On a subconscious level, they feel much better about themselves when they handle their own problems.
Excepts from Parenting with Love and Logic
Sean Grover L.C.S.W.
When Kids Call the Shots
The Negative Voices in Your Teenager’s Head
7 ways to quiet them
Posted Jan 20, 2018
This is what a teen might say to you about his or her self-talk:
“I’m mad. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wake up mad; other days it creeps up on me. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good. I wish I wasn’t so mad, but I am. I can’t help it.
“Every day is a prison, trapped inside this changing body, repeating the same day over and over. My whole life is made up of things I have to do, not things I want to do. Tests, quizzes, reading assignments, papers, group projects — I spend the entire day with people I am forced to be with: teenagers who feel just as messed up as me.
“Sometimes my feelings get hurt at school — by teachers, deans, counselors, but mostly by other students. I don’t tell you this, because I’m ashamed to feel hurt. I don’t want you to know how hurt I feel all the time.
“My whole life has become ‘I don’t want to…’ I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to…I don’t want to…I don’t want to.
“I can’t think of a single thing that I want to do — except sleep. It’s the only time I’m not stressing, the only time I’m not worried, the only time I’m not upset.
“Sometimes I hide in my room and binge watch Netflix, YouTube, or mindless videos over and over, because I can’t stand to be with my own thoughts. I’m distracting myself from me. Does that sound crazy?
“And, yes, I know that my room is a mess. I like it that way: It looks how I feel inside. And please don’t ask me what’s wrong, because I don’t know. I don’t know where these feelings came from.
“I know that you’re mad at me. I can’t blame you. I stopped talking to you. Sometimes I say such mean things to you, horrible things. I blame you, curse at you, push you away. Sometimes I break things, because I feel broken inside.
“It wasn’t always this way. When I look at old photos of me in elementary school, I see a little kid who was so happy all the time. A little kid who loved to dance and sing, who loved to be silly, who didn’t care what people thought.
“I feel like that little kid is dead.
“I’m going to tell you something now that’s hard to say. Please listen, because I really mean it: Don’t give up on me. Don’t hate me back. I need you to be stronger than me. I need you to be my parent, even though I say I don’t want one. I need you to be more patient than I can be, more understanding, more accepting. Even when I am yelling at you, even when I tell you that I hate you, I still need you to love me.
“If I could tell you how to help me, this is what I would say:
1. Give me space.
Don’t come in my room, corner me, or make demands. I don’t have any answers. When you push me or yell at me, I feel worse. I need to be alone. I need space.
2. Don’t yell at me.
The noise in my head is so loud sometimes that I can barely hear my own thoughts. I can’t stand it. When you yell, I feel worse about myself. I feel unloved. I feel like I am your biggest disappointment.
3. Take my electronics away.
I can’t put my phone down; I try, but I just can’t. I know it’s devouring all my time, but I can’t help myself; I can’t stop checking it. I need your help. I need you to set limits on technology. Please. I will fight you, but it’s what I need. Don’t try to reason with me: Just do it.
4. Bring me someplace quiet.
I say I don’t want anything to do with you. But if you could bring me somewhere quiet, somewhere we could walk together and not argue, somewhere I can feel the sun and listen to the wind in the trees, somewhere I can breathe and forget about everything that’s bothering me, I think I would like that. Even if we don’t speak, I will feel comforted.
5. Stop spoiling me.
Stop giving me everything I want. The more you give me, the more I resent you. I want to earn things. It helps me feel grown up. I want to learn how to save money, spend money, share money. And I’m never going to learn that if you keep giving it to me. I hate being dependent on you; please help me become independent.
6. Find me someone to talk to.
I need someone to look up to who isn’t you. I need an adult to admire, someone I want to be like, a person who believes in me, who pushes me, and who understands me. A mentor, a counselor, a therapist…anyone who can give me hope when I have too little for myself.
7. Tell me that you love me.
I pretend not to care. But I really need to hear you say the words, ‘I love you.’ Because right now, I don’t love me. Even though I’m making your life hell, I still need to feel loved. Especially by you.
“I guess that’s it. I know that being a parent is really hard. Sometimes you probably wonder why you did it. But I’ll get better. I promise. I’ll get older and we’ll enjoy each other again. Until then, understand that I appreciate you.
“I may not say it often, but still I love you.”
More on the Subject
At what point in life that we all come to the Crossroads that we know everything and that we are no longer reliant on your parents knowledge, which have brought you to the point you are now, ready to take on Life on your own. That happened to me when I was fourteen, whatever that was said to me in my little mind, didn’t relate to me because I was going to do exactly as I wanted to do. A Rebel without a cause, on a one-way track on a runaway Train heading to who knows where, many Teenagers like me end up on the Streets, in jail or Dead. My message, the power is in you, coming to your Crossroads and making your own choices, preferably the right ones. Ask yourself 20 questions, one of which is this me in 5 years. Teenagers know everything except to project years down the Road. Five years is a lifetime locked up.
My Mother wouldn’t hear of that, if necessary she would do my prison time. Only a Fool who don’t recognize acts of kindnessnes. That was enough to change my way of thinking and began taking on responsibility. Once again I beg you don’t do stupid things like I did, like smoking Weed at fourteen. The rest of your Life is in your hands.
P.s. momma may have Papa may have but God bless the Child that’s got it all together for himself.