Life, Parenting And Relationships

Mean Streets

To all you youthful Rebels out there who think that your life is a living Hell living under what you might consider to be a Dictatorship. Slow down and look at the big Picture, a lot of us are on this Earth strictly by accident. Our Parents never meant to have us, but out of an act of nature you were conceived, and there was no going back. Many of our Parents were just Kids themselves when they crawled into the Sack and got knocked up. Some without a conscience abort their mistakes, consider yourself lucky as I do. I myself was a late Pregnancy, my Mother got Pregnant at thirty seven her entire Family advised her to have an Abortion because the Pregnancy was dangerous at that age with poor Health.

Thank God she didn’t listen to them, otherwise I would not be here to tell you that no matter how bad it is where you are it’s worse out there on the Streets. From fourteen to eighteen I was a product of the Streets, I undermined all my Mother’s Christian Teachings, hard work and Dedication to raise an Upstanding World Class Citizen. At fourteen years old I was introduced to the finest Marijuana grown around the World by a twelve year old Boy who went to Catholic School. His older Sister was an Airline Steward, she was the Mule that brought the finest Weed grown from around the World to the Bronx. Her older brother was the Dealer, their Parents were the Pillars of the Community, one a Public Servant the other a CPA.

I was a Rebel without a Cause or a clue doing stupid Shit just to prove that I was a Man being Raised by a Single Mom, and to let her know that I wasn’t going to listen to a Woman. That Woman was Godsend in delivering me from the Streets. At fourteen while doing my Laundry she found an Ounce of Marijuana in my Pocket, flushed it in the Toilet, not a word was said of her find.

Several Weeks later she sat me down and Counseled me of the dangers of smoking Weed and what it could lead to as a Gateway Drug, instead of kicking me out of her House into the Streets where I belonged with my Bitch Ass Attitude about being Raised by a Single Mom. She knew how the Streets were, seen as how her Parents kicked her out of their Home when she got Pregnant with her first Kid.

For four more years she put up with my Crap. Her secret Weapon was her strong belief in God, that we were all put on this Earth to go through Trials and Tribulations, the purpose, to make us strong and Triumphant. Also she used the Technique of Love and Logic Parenting style on me, allowing me to screw up as much as I wanted to, then coming full Circle with my actions and face the consequences, while counselling me about Crime and Punishment.

Mass Murderer

After four years of living the Street life of Drinking Colt 45, Old English and smoking the finest Weed from around the World, while steadily being prodded to sell it.

I squeaked out of High School barely Literate from the beating I put on my Brain from smoking all that High quality Weed for four years, when I should have been prepping myself for College to become a Literary Scholar, instead of Partying my Life away. In the end Mom was Triumphant, at eighteen I realized that if I continued hanging in the Streets it would only be a matter of time before I was selling Kilos, and doing time with Brothers who wanted to make me their Woman. At that point in my young life I had seen the Light and since steadily walked the straight and narrow. One of my Cousins took an Offer that I refused, made himself Wealthy, caught five Bullets and did fifteen years in Prison, forget about the money, those were my five Bullets and my fifteen years. What good would it have done me to become wealthy while losing my Soul to the Streets. What I am trying to tell you young Rebels, is the Streets is no place to be Somebody. It is better to stay in what you may consider an oppressive situation, make it your Job, your Vendetta, your Driving Force to become Educated and set yourself Free.

P.S. this is my Tribute to Tom Petty’s Soul Asylum.

Lyrics

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life’s mystery seems so faded.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Grinding Axes

Grinding Axes

Have you ever witnessed an extraordinary act of kindness  such as someone behind you in the checkout line offered to pay for your few items. Mind boggling to the skeptics trying to figure the motivation. There is nothing to figure some people believe that you do a good deed and you receive what you have sown. Some people their positive mental attitude is just that infectious, those are my kind of people no down bringers no Haters just people trying to get along with the rest of the World and not blaming it for their shortcomings. Some people they go to sleep angry and awake the same way, not even knowing why. My Mother was one that was great for paraphrasing, her favorite” an Ax to Grind” in this World there are too many Axes to Grind, Color, Socioeconomic, Religion and Gender to name a few.

It seems that once Cain’s hands were stained with Blood Mankind was never able to wash them clean and once our Minds contaminated with Hate that’s how it remains for Generations. Yet the Bible teaches to forgive and forget, Psychologists tells us in order to heal one should forget the hurt, let go and move on with your life. The bad part is those who need psychological help don’t seek it. All I know is if there were something eating at me for years and is pushing me over the edge to act on it, first I would seek help, if the Ax that I was grinding was consuming my every thought, pushing me to the edge Of destruction, I would check myself in voluntarily, why should I take innocent people with me. If there is a Virus within you kill it.

Grinding an Ax for years then acting out by killing a bunch of innocent people is the Cowardly thing to do, the brave thing is to recognize  what you have allowed yourself to become and eradicate the problem. I know that I am sounding Brutally frank  but the Saga never ends. September 2001 a Bunch of Fanatical Haters flew Planes into Buildings that my Coworkers were in, nine hundred of them perished. You think that we would take Head to how far Hate can push you and knowing that all those Fanatical Haters aren’t Dead, just laying low to strike again while we wallow in our own pettiness. Eleven years later yet another act of Terrorism, this time homegrown, make no mistake perpetrating hateful acts of crime on Society is nothing short of Terrorism.

The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting occurred on December 14, 2012, in Newtown, Connecticut when 20-year-old Adam Lanza fatally shot 20 children between six and seven years old, as well as six adult staff members. Before going to the school, he shot and killed his mother at their Newtown home. This young man allowed the hate within to consume him, then he unleashed it on helpless innocent children. That’s what the hate virus do it makes you blame everyone except the one who owns the problem. Four years later the Pulse shootings,On June 12, 2016, Omar Mateen, a 29-year-old security guard, killed 49 people and wounded 53 others in a terrorist attack inside Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando Florida.

Orlando Police Department officers shot and killed him after a three-hour standoff, yet another Hater who hated Gays and anyone who doesn’t share his Faith.On February 14, 2018, a gunman opened fire at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, killing seventeen students and staff members and injuring seventeen others. Witnesses identified nineteen-year-old former student Nikolas Cruz as the assailant, and he was arrested in Coral Springs by the Broward County Sheriff’s Office shortly after he escaped the scene; Cruz had purchased food at Walmart and McDonald’s restaurants after leaving the scene of the shooting. I guess he felt good about what he had just accomplished with no remorse, to the point where he could eat with lack of conscience.

Cruz confessed to being the perpetrator, and he was charged with 17 counts of premeditated murder and 17 counts of attempted murder. Police and prosecutors have not yet offered a motive and are investigating “a pattern of disciplinary issues and unnerving behavior”.  And so we have another case of the hate virus consuming its incubator. Being Molested at fourteen didn’t make me hate Gays to Massacre them being a victim of Police brutality didn’t make me hate all Cops, neither incidents left me an Ax to Grind.  I must be a Genius to have learned at an early age that there is good and bad in all walks of Life, and that Life wasn’t fair. While I see people around me Grinding Axes that were around before Jesus Christ, Nomads against Jews against Christians against Catholics against Protestants where does it ends. Get over it we will not all look alike, talk alike think alike or Worship alike, if you killed all of us who didn’t fit in your Box, who would there be to feed your little  Ego that you are better than a Cockroach with a Gun. Just talking about the Subject puts a damper on my good vibes and values remember you can’t teach values to your kids they learn from how you live your lives. If you grind Axes in front of your Kids don’t be surprised when they grow up with your sharpened Axes, whacking at Society.

Parenting And Relationships

It’s A Challenge

It’s A Challenge



To be a good Parent May be The Challenge of your Life. The Bible says go forth and multiply, some Half Wit Philosopher said your Life is not fulfilled until you have Children.  Not disputing the Bible, but I match with the latter. Having and raising Children isn’t all that it’s cropped up to be. First of all, once they come on the screen, your Life is changed. You can’t go out Drinking and hanging with the Boys every Weekend coming Home in the Am looking through three Eyes, and leaving  the little Woman alone to deal with the miseries, they throw at her, if you could only see yourself through her eyes . No you have to be there to get your share of the loaded Diapers , the middle of the night wailing, then they grow to be little People with big attitudes. Woke up one day and find that your Life has changed, or should, you can’t use the vulgarity you are used to spitting. When you think that they are not listening, one day they hit you with something like, ” uncle Tony you’re F*c***g kidding me are you. Four years old with the mouth of yourself. It’s a life changing experience.



I would rather own a Racehorse, sometimes they do win and pay for their upkeep.  You can invest a Bushel in a child’s upkeep, upbringing and Education, and they turn out to be Bums, use Drugs and hanging with the Underbellies of Society. So where did you go wrong,  you didn’t, they did, it’s a Crap Shoot. Sometimes you raise Thoroughbreds and other times strangers. I have met Educated adults who refused to put it to good use, move out and make their own way. Before they  get to that point they make your Life absolutely miserable, by acting like they are the Parents. Sometimes they are just Adolescents with big attitudes. By the time they turn Teenagers, they are ready to give you a good ass whipping.


You try to pass on to them the benefits of all you have learned about Life, and they think that you are Stupid, for trying to save them from the disaster of themselves . I am not just talking off the top of my Head. When I was fourteen I was a big Pot Head who drank colt 45. Thank God I kept my intemperance for the Weekend,  and not School hours, also thank God for a strong willed person I called Mom. As I said before the Challenge is Great. So the next time you think about making Babies, ask yourself, am I up to the aftermath.

Related Blog

Stand Up Dad

Making Babies and running off is an awful trait associated with Men, just about animalistic if you ask me. Bad enough when Men do it, but when a Woman meets a Man and run off leaving two young Daughters, that is despicable,I don’t care how good looking or Rich he is, I don’t even care if your marriage is horrendous. Your first priority is your Children. No matter what the circumstances are, your new Man don’t want Kids or your Husband is undeserving of you, first and foremost you are a Mother. Mothers are a special Breed, their propensity to Love care and nurture is unyielding. My Mother was incredible at the art of Motherhood, raising two Boys by herself, she was Mother and Father, a good provider, Teacher and Mentor. Struggling with two Boys, she once met a Man who professed his love for her, a Doctor by profession. He wanted to marry her, with one catch, he wanted her to put her sixteen and nineteen years old out of the House. I guess he feared that if he turned out to be Mr Hyde we would beat him silly, that request enraged her, she sent him packing. Now that’s A good Mother.



Philip was married for twelve years, came home one day and his wife was gone, leaving two young Daughters behind, to raise by himself. Being a stand up Dad, he embraced the challenge boldly. Children can be heartless people, the way they challenge disobey and disrespect us when we are trying our best. My only satisfaction I get from them being Brats, is knowing that their day will come when their own Kids will do the same to them.Philip’s Kids were brutal, they put him through the grinder with their attitude. They acted as if he was the one who ran their Mother off, when it was her own hormones that made her run off leaving them behind. He did his best as Mr Mom, putting his own life on hold for a long time. Making sure that he brought the right Woman home, to fill the void left by the self centered one who ran off abandoning her Family. One day he met a Librarian and decided to marry her, it is never a good idea to raise Girls alone. Girls need the female influence of a Mother, even just for rounding out. Needless to say the Girls did not welcome her with open arms. They were Vociferous and openly challenging and disrespectful. Disapproval was high, they did not care if she was Queen Elizabeth. She was not theIr no good Mother who they were too blind to disown and reciprocatively abandoned. The years progressed with little tranquility, one day through the act of God or goodwill by the new Mom,they came around and acknowledged that she is more deserving of their respect love and appreciation, than the one who gave them Birth. I guess the Lord do work in mysterious ways.

Health, Life, Parenting And Relationships

A Junkie’s Poem

Substance abuse

A Junkie’s Poem

As the saying goes Fool me once is never enough, over the years observing the Monkey on my back. makes me wonder how many times must I be fooled  to get the message, this isn’t Kansas and haven’t  been  for a long time. The Monkey picks you up and lay you down over and again but he is still your friend.

Mother always told us be careful who you choose for friends because if you walk in filth you will stink. Can’t you tell everyone around is backing away, they treat you like a vagrant and all, you are an outcast from Society, your family and friends, but you still hang tight with your monkey for a friend. You are in and out of the System, it’s now your permanent address even though your dual Residence is the Streets.

I look in the Mirror I see a face but who is it, certainly not the me of fifteen, a smart ambitious kid who wanted to be a pharmacist not the Junkie at the other end of a needle or a stem, not the Geek with a mouthful of Oxi, it’s early afternoon and I’ve lost count. I can hear Billy echoing Eyes without a face, while Janis wails about her Ball and Chain. Who is that man in the mirror, I look further and deeper  and all I see is a skull, the skull has been my moniker science hearing of Casey Jones.

Grateful Dead/forever

Not realizing how wasted I am and will not find my way home until I ask for help. Sitting in a Room of despair striking the fire one more time

trying to get back to the elusive initial high that is never going to come, because that is just the way Crack is, she is a Temptress that will never satisfy the crave. Deep down the shell of the old me the kid that was good with Math that yearns for his old self, I am lost in a fog of Meth vapors and can’t count the step backwards to where it all began.

A Fool is too proud to ask for help while a wise Man knows to come in from the Rain. My life is one big storm taking me further from  reality, while the monkey is taking me to the Cliff.

When I am broke I feel it’s wrath shaking me to find a fix even though what I do for my friend I wouldn’t do for myself. When I hear the Steel Doors slam I now realize that I am lost because here at Home there is no friend only rejection from my Monkey who I left in a cold dark Alley.

P.S. The Lord help those that help themselves

Parenting And Relationships

Responsibility

Responsibility



When I was a teenager I thought that growing up meant being free of my mother’s constant nagging about the person she wanted me to be. A proud Man with values that others would admire. Having respect for my fellow man, not hurting anyone directly or indirectly, not stealing or cheating, to be precise do unto others as you would have them do to you. All through those turbulent teen years it never occurred to me that what Mother was doing was preparing me for the life ahead of me. She was teaching responsibility to an oblivious teen who could not wait to be an adult and do all the bad things that adults do, like too many sex partners, excessive use of alcohol and drugs. It never occurred to me that they were wasting their lives and killing themselves. I once worked with a twenty one years old man who had heart murmur  from the amount of coke that he ingested from seventeen to twenty one. Can you imagine a young man with the heart of an old man. I also met a Man who didn’t know the names of all his children, he had so many with different Women. Yet another man who drank anything other than milk or water and his stomach would bleed, from all the alcohol he drank .




All this boiled down to responsibility, something that too many adults lack. Immature and irresponsible they know how to scratch the itch but nothing about parenting, I would need a calculator to tabulate the amount of men that I have met in their forties and fifties with the mentality of a fifteen year old. Looking back I thank mom for all the nagging. Of all the misfits that I have been unfortunate to have met in my life, I must say mother did her Job raising two Boys by herself with great success. Neither one of us possess a compulsive obsessive disorder, both good husbands and  fathers, world class citizens who respect all of God’s Creatures.
Parenting comes easy for me, lead by example and pass on values through the way you live your life, it can’t be taught. Trying to teach values and living your life in a gregarious manner is contradicting.



The other day I noticed a young man with two young boys heading to the Beach, in one Hand he had a twelve pack of beer in the other was an opened can that he was sipping from. The message he was sending, public drunkenness was against the law but cool anyway, how contradictory. It’s the same when you invite a bunch of friends over, everybody gets shit-faced and trash talk when the kids are within earshot. That’s  irresponsibility , kids are like sponges they absorb their Environment. Once I was sitting at the kitchen table with my friend’s wife having a conversation when her eight years old son could not get her attention he vehemently declared mommy you are a Bitch , instead of slapping his face and giving credibility to his vulgarity, she asked him why he called her that. He staunchly replied Daddy said that you are.

 

 

It appeared that he and his dad had a conversation about something that his mother told him he couldn’t have and his response was, don’t mind her she is a Bitch. On another occasion we were in his Basement doing some work, the Door leading upstairs was slightly ajar. His eighth years and his six years was locked in a fierce Verbal confrontation, calling each other every vulgar names under the Sun. I thought to myself these kinds weren’t being Raised up they were being dragged up by irresponsible people who were clueless that their children were living their parents lives mimicking the way they interacted with each other. Six years later the girl was sitting in the Driver’s seat of his Truck, he had his Hand between the Door Frame and the Door. After years of watching her Mother being abused she slammed the Door shut on his Hand, he had unwittingly corrupted his daughter. As I have said over and again, anyone can make Babies, but we all don’t possess the level of responsibility to be good Parents.

 

 

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Aberations

Minions

When we are Born if we are not among the unfortunate ones who are Born with defects, we are blessed with a perfect Template to design our Lives, a plain white sheet of paper to write our life story. If there is such a thing as a Godlike creature a New Born is the perfect example. What is written on that Paper and what is filled into the Template is what we absorb during the developmental stages. That describes who and what we are and to become for the rest of our lives. Fallacies can develop as early as six months old, a Child who cries for his Mother’s attention not because he is hungry wet or is in any kind of distress, only because he enjoys the comfort of her cradling arms is a manipulative controlling person in the Make.

If you fail to recognize the game and take control early when they get to one year old, sitting in their High Chair and throw their Spoon on the Floor for the twentieth time and you picked it up each time you are fostering to the manipulating person in the Make. Continued to six years old and you say no to an outrageous request and they hit you with ” you don’t love me” then you flip your decision and give in, the battle is lost and the war is on. And now you have me at fourteen smoking Weed with my twelve years old Catholic School Buddy, thinking that I could Rule my single Mom. My Mother was no pushover, she laid out choices such as the comfort of my own Bedroom or a Cot in a Juvenile Detention Center. If a Parent don’t take control early then the manipulating and controlling person has taken shape on the Template, for the rest of their lives.

What is written on that plain white sheet of paper depicts who we are and who we becomes. As a Twig is bent so shall it grows. My Mother was a God fearing Christian Woman she Nurtured this Twig with Milk and Honey, yet at nine years old I stole from the Church collection in the Rectory, the Neighborhood Grocery Stores and the Neighborhood Dealer. I was Born with my own personal Minion called Me. I had no reasons to be bad, there were no lack of guidance or parenting skills, my Mother help raised her twelve siblings and her siblings children, she could have written a Book on Parenting, so where did she go wrong with me. She didn’t, if anyone blamed her for my transgressions, then who do you blame  for Eve’s transgressions, Her Minion was the Serpent,Cain’s Minion was Jealousy.

And so the Concept of good and evil is laid to rest, how we deal with our Minions define who we are. The way that people turns out to be Monsters doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with environment or upbringing. People will always be who they are, the Minions only gives them the push. By God accepting Able’s gift the Murderous Tendency in Cain was brought to the surface by his own Minions. The reason for all this Theological thinking was brought upon me from trying figure the Root Cause for Domestic Violence and Child Abuse. At first all the old cliche’s were dominant in my mind, the abused becomes the abuser, as a Twig is bent and all the other made up alibies. Then I reflected to my twelve years old friend and myself being Deviants with the best of upbringing and I realized that it is neither of the above that produces Horrible people who would take out all their aggressive tendencies on the ones who loved them.

The despicable act of Domestic Violence have weighed heavily on me from the early developmental age of twelve, Mister Henrique was my next door Neighbor he would get off work every Day and stop at the Bar and feed his Minions with Alcohol. He came Home just about every Day and beat his Wife in the yard in front of me and the other Neighborhors. That ongoing Horror Movie Psyched me out to the point where if I had a Gun, I would have shot him to put that poor Woman out of her miseries. Growing up with a single Mom gave me empathy for a fifteen years old Boy I met later on in Life who stabbed his abusive Stepfather over twenty times in Brooklyn N.Y. Then there were my Childhood friends who Married each other, the Boy had been studying Martial Arts for years he was a Black Belt, his Hands were Licensed legal Weapons.

If a person on the Street picked a fight with him all he could do was to cover himself, if he hit them he would go to Jail. His Wife was filled with rage, with an uncontrollable temper,  since we were Kids we called her Maddie. They had one Child together, I think that the beatings started when the Child was only months old in it’s Crib witnessing his Mother beating his Father with whatever she could put her hands on, she knew that he could not strike back. The beatings were constantly visible on his black and blue skin. He was part of a tight knit group we would have Jam sessions where we played instruments and sang at our frequent gatherings. Every Male in the Group including her own Brother advised him to kick her Ass and teach her a Lesson. Other than the fact that his Hands were Licensed Weapons, this Man was Godlier than all of us. He never laid a Hand on her, last time I saw them the Child was five years old watching his father’s Manhood being robbed of him. What an Education this Kid was getting. I can only pray to God that I am right that we are only who we choose to be and not a product of our Environment, otherwise this Child is a Monster in the Make, he will have a deep rooted hatred for Women, he Will beat every Woman in his Relationships exacting revenge for his Father, Sex to him will be same as a Rapist, strictly punishment. I do hope that the Lord looks out for this Baby.

P.S. October is Domestic Violence awareness Month.