Health, Life, Parenting And Relationships

A Junkie’s Poem

Substance abuse

A Junkie’s Poem

As the saying goes Fool me once is never enough, over the years observing the Monkey on my back. makes me wonder how many times must I be fooled  to get the message, this isn’t Kansas and haven’t  been  for a long time. The Monkey picks you up and lay you down over and again but he is still your friend.

Mother always told us be careful who you choose for friends because if you walk in filth you will stink. Can’t you tell everyone around is backing away, they treat you like a vagrant and all, you are an outcast from Society, your family and friends, but you still hang tight with your monkey for a friend. You are in and out of the System, it’s now your permanent address even though your dual Residence is the Streets.

I look in the Mirror I see a face but who is it, certainly not the me of fifteen, a smart ambitious kid who wanted to be a pharmacist not the Junkie at the other end of a needle or a stem, not the Geek with a mouthful of Oxi, it’s early afternoon and I’ve lost count. I can hear Billy echoing Eyes without a face, while Janis wails about her Ball and Chain. Who is that man in the mirror, I look further and deeper  and all I see is a skull, the skull has been my moniker science hearing of Casey Jones.

Grateful Dead/forever

Not realizing how wasted I am and will not find my way home until I ask for help. Sitting in a Room of despair striking the fire one more time

trying to get back to the elusive initial high that is never going to come, because that is just the way Crack is, she is a Temptress that will never satisfy the crave. Deep down the shell of the old me the kid that was good with Math that yearns for his old self, I am lost in a fog of Meth vapors and can’t count the step backwards to where it all began.

A Fool is too proud to ask for help while a wise Man knows to come in from the Rain. My life is one big storm taking me further from  reality, while the monkey is taking me to the Cliff.

When I am broke I feel it’s wrath shaking me to find a fix even though what I do for my friend I wouldn’t do for myself. When I hear the Steel Doors slam I now realize that I am lost because here at Home there is no friend only rejection from my Monkey who I left in a cold dark Alley.

P.S. The Lord help those that help themselves

Health, Life

Be Smart

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Be smart

In all areas our lives we try to do what is smart, Except for our Health and our Habits, both will kill us sooner than later. We should not have to come  face to face with our Mortality before we put down a bad Habbit such as Smoking, before it puts us down. I have been Smoking Cigaretts since fourteen,  over fifty years later this Blog puts me on a Timeline to quit Smoking, or a least develop a formidable cestation program while I can still tell you about it. I have to tell someone, My goal is to save at least one person from sharing my Fate. first let me give you my impression of depriving your body of that which you have giving it for over fifty years, your body is not going to like it. Withdrawal is not an easy task for anyone.

Nonetheless sometimes it becomes Life and Death, and coming full circle with your mortality, or just plain as the nose on your face, that it’s time for action. My Mother was succumbed by Respiratory Failure, being the one who kept watch gave me first-hand at seeing someone grasp for each last breath,  it’s not a pretty sight. I am a Sixty Six years old male who gets a Physical every six months, my Doctor once said she wished all her Patients were as Healthy as us. My Wife woke up one Day and quit cold Turkey, other People I know have done the same. Cashing in your own Chips  is smarter than being cashed in when the Doctor tells you that you must. There it is in a nutshell, I have decided not to wait untill I am Told.

My Advice to you is to do the same and buy yourself a couple of years. Why? Because Life is Precious and good Health is a Blessing that shouldn’t be squandered. I believe that my gift of good Health is supplemented by Exercise and plenty of Liquids preferably water, I am not into Gurus, I have considered Hypnosis to quit. It should not have to come to that, strong Will have been known to Conquer All. I am not trying to move any Mountains,  just take back a couple of years that I have Squandered. So it becomes a matter of will to Live a couple of years more. Most importantly there have been cases where my Doctors have told me being a Smoker puts me at risk when Anesthesia is needed, I don’t want to be told.

One month ago I started writing this Blog but I didn’t want to complete it and post it until I was absolutely resolved. Since then I have been to my Doctor for my Physical which I get twice yearly. The reason for getting a Physical every six months is, if I develop any adverse conditions I want to know about it right away, so that if anything can be done to avert the course, early intervention is way better than sitting on a Time bomb. I am happy to tell you that getting a Physical every six months worked. Six months ago I was given a clean Bill of Health, Blood work, EKG, X-ray. Phenomenol I thought to myself for a sixty six years old Man who had been Smoking since fourteen same time I started smoking Weed and holding it in my Lungs till near passing out, to be in such excellent Health and Physical condition.

Now six months later same routine and She tells me that I have Emphysema. After fifty two years of Slowicide( slowly committing suicide) what do I expect, why am I not surprised why am I not sad, why am I not depressed. Because I dug my own Grave for fifty two years, that my friend is a pretty deep hole of dependency and Addiction. The Toxins have grafted themselves to my Cells and Organs. Going cold Turkey is going to put a beating on my Body and Mind, but I have no choice. I came to Florida to live out my life with a Bang, there is no bigger bang than knowing how you are going to Die. and so My friend by you continuing to put the Poison to your Lips you are sharing my Fate. Some ways I consider myself fortunate, Emphysema is slow Death, Heart Attack, Stroke and Cancer is much quicker and painful, all the above can come from smoking.

I thank the Lord for my wake-up call. This is a little awkward somewhat like writing my Death Journals. I thank him for a Wife who worked in a VA Hospital for twenty five years and have seen it all and knows the importance of constant screening. If it was left up to me I would only go to the Doctor when something hurts. By catching Emphysema from the onset is strategic in the course of Treatment but most importantly I know that I have no other choice than quitting. The Tobacco is now ready to spiral to other Diseases, one Tobacco related Illnesses is enough for me to see the Light, that the Surgeon General have been right all along. Which takes me back to us playing Devils Advocate with our Health by putting Poison to our Lips, minute by minute, hours on into years and not believing or expecting my Diagnosis would come one Day.

Lucky me I have been fortunate to live so long living on the edge. Many have left us in half my years Lorna died at thirty nine from Cancer, Vincent also thirty nine unexpectedly. I have lived a Dove Life with a Halo over me the amount of times that I used up my nine Lives and is now on my tenth. I intend to spend this tenth life well by trying to save at least one life from traveling the same Path that I have traveled, because If I passed through this Life to the other and posses nothing in the way of knowledge that I can’t pass on to someone coming up. Then I will have only existed and not truly Lived. As the saying goes you win some you lose some, you live and you learn. Well my Friend I have learned that being a Pack Mule, or a Sheep is living other people’s lives and not your own.

When I started smoking everyone in the Three stories House smoked except for my Mother she knew better she had Asthma most her life, also the hundred years old Grandma didn’t otherwise she probably wouldn’t be around. When my Kids were teenagers the biggest fights my Wife and I had were about who the kids hung with, due to peer pressure. Her take on the Subject was that everyone needs to live their own Lives and learn by their own mistakes. I on the other hand knew that she was deadly wrong seeing as how the first Joint and the first Cigarette that touched my Lips were handed to me by a twelve year old Catholic School kid when I was fourteen.

You would think that me being the oldest would have known better, not where peer pressure is concerned, how would it look my best Friend younger than I calling me a Woss. I took my first Hit of Colombian Gold and Coughed till I had to sit down. Once the potent Canabis let us flat on our Ass we drank a Beer and smoked a Cigarette, Man were we ever Cool, or so we thought. It’s a known medical fact that the earlier you start smoking the greater the damage to your under developed Body. What did I know about Medical statistics, peer pressure had claimed its newest Victim. In High School still being the Man about Town there was nothing cooler than being under Age sitting at a Table in a Night Club blowing smoke in some fine girl’s Face killing her along with myself. The damage was done from way back then, the rest of my life was just going through the motions feeding the Addiction. As it’s been said time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the Future. I am ending this Blog asking you to do the right thing Quit!!!!

Future Posts on the Subject can be found on my Health Page.  LOL