Excerpts from one of my old Blog
While working one Summer for Her Dad in his Hardware Business. That’s where I met Cindy. On her sixteenth Birthday she was given a New Cadillac. Twenty she Married a Millionaire, he was a Gambler, when he lost he would beat Her where the Children Listened. The Blog is called Root of Evil. I should have called the Blog ” you’ve got to know when to hold Em.
Working in a Justice System has been a true revaluation for me, of the importance of good Parenting. The other day I was sitting in the parking Lot, directly across the Street was a sprawling Building. This Building was the Juvenile Detention Center. While sitting there looking at the tiny Windows, I wondered to myself how old was its youngest Resident. I also wondered if by the time he made it back home would he have been rehabilitated or at least seen the Light or the evil of his way. It was then that it occurred to me the importance of good Parenting. The importance of bending the Twig before it grows into a thorny Tree is of Tantamount Effect. Junior was only eighteen Months old when he decided to test his will and witts against mine.
Sitting in his Highchair throwing a Fit, he tossed his spoon on the Floor several times. Unwittingly I picked it up each time, washed it and put it in the Bowl. After several times of repeating this game I removed him from his Highchair and placed him on the Floor next to the discarded Spoon. This was his first lesson that he wasn’t going to have things his way all the time. By you picking up that Spoon for the twentieth time, controlling and manipulation is now one of his Trait that could lead him to the Detention Center. They come here from every socio economic structure imaginable. I remember when I started Blogging one of my Boss asked me what I Blogged about. I told him among many things, problematic Teens were one of my main interest. He visited my Website and browse some of the Articles. The next day he saw me he congratulated me on my insights. He told me that he had a Teenager at home that was heading down the wrong Road. This guy was the Director of Marketing for a Company that made over one Hundred Million that year. I am quite certain that he was properly compensated. His kid had no reason to be a Rebel without a Clue, yet he was. Two years later I am now working in the County Justice System and here was my ex Boss making an appearance with his Kid.
As I mentioned earlier, they come from all walks of Life many times it starts with dropping the Spoon, by you not laying early ground rules, setting Boundaries and limitations. You are not preparing them for Society. Society is a Tangled weave of Laws, you can get arrested for spitting on the Ground, so what of the other thousand of infractions. If they can’t or won’t abide by your Rules what makes you think that they will abide by the Laws of our Legal System. My Mother was a hard working Christian Woman, yet at fourteen I Dreamed of being a Thug. I was only fourteen when she found an ounce of high grade Marijuana in my Pocket while doing the Laundry.
She gave me the option of a Cot in a Juvenile Detention Center or changing the Road I was Traveling. That tough Love navigated the rest of my Life. With one Arrest and conviction I could not be Working in the Justice System. When my Mother was laying down the Laws, how was I supposed to know that she was looking out for my future. As a Parent by you not laying down laws and rules while you are still in control you are paving the way for future court appearances, and Jail time. Your Kid may be the smartest and most talented kid in the World, If you don’t teach them Humility and let them know that there are Boundaries and consequences in Life. Society will chew them up and spit them out in the Justice Systems. Look at O.J, look at Arron Hernandez, he made it to the top of his Game along the way his Parents never told him that he could not get away with Murder. A wise Man once wrote ” it is better to build Boys than to mend Men”
Here are excerpts from the Book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
Who’s in Charge Here?
For years, Ryan had appeared headed for a life of irresponsibility. He lived like a slob and had increasingly resisted his Parent’s badgering about his sloppy appearance, grungy clothes, messy room and that”infernal music” thudding through the walls. At thirteen Ryan simply”forgot” to do his chores. The older he grew, the more defiant he became. At seventeen, he started drinking even on school nights and experimenting with drugs, both of which were murder on his grades. He went out with girls running with the wrong Crowd, such as Desiree, telling his Dad, “she comes from a broken home and needs me as a counselor”, prompting his Dad to counter sarcastically, ” Just what kind of counseling techniques are you using”.
Ryan had long since blown off the hallowed family tradition of kissing his parents good-night. Now they were lucky if he just yelled through their master bedroom door, “I’am home. Allan responded to Ryan’s moral slide by losing his temper and yelling. Or “you have the social traits of a bum!” Sandy would mutter aloud, “I know this is a Kid I wouldn’t take off the shelf myself”. Ryan, of course, just sneered. He had his Parents emotionally eating out of his hand, and he knew it. They knew it too. But they felt helpless to reassert control. Then Alan and Sandy attended a seminar that introduced them to the Love and Logic parenting approach. They learned that parents should take care of themselves first, let their children own their own problems, and allow them to live with the consequences of their decisions.
P.S. It is better to take control as early as possible than waiting till they are heading for the Detention Center.
My main Objective when I started Blogging was to write Blogs about safe Driving. It wasn’t long before I realized that there is just so much you could say about People’s poor Driving Habits before it becomes old News. I have always admired a good Fiction, then it darned on me that I could fill in the Void with Fiction Blogs. I have always admired Birds and Envied them for their Freedom. They have always been attracted to my calmness and serenity and have allowed me to me to get very close to them when I am Photographing them. Like the time when several hundred Cardinals surrounded me and I panicked and chased them away, blowing the greatest Photo Shoot of my Life. This is my very first Fictional Blog about Birds, written three years ago. The Human Characters were made Fictional to protect their identity.
He was a majestic Sea Bird, a natural born Fisherman and Hunter. Why his Mother choose to hatch her eggs in the Branches of a Palm Tree far inland behooves me. Nonetheless this is where Feathers was born, like any other Suckling in early development they are dependent on the nourishment Mother provides. So much to the point of dependency, when his time came to leave the Roost and test his graceful Wings. Feathers had developed Inertia /entitlement, an attitude that if ma was going to do all this hunting and Fishing for me, why should I even bother to learn how to fly, fish and hunt for myself, if she enjoys pampering me, so be it.
Feathers had developed a privileged character mentality, he choose not to be a go getter not realizing that what Mother was doing was preparing him for his first Flight and his first Hunt. That is what Mothers do they prep their Kids to do for themselves the things in life they need to survive . He was defiant about leaving the Roost, he didn’t realize that Mother wasn’t always going to be there for him, and the responsibility of fending for himself, and taking his life to the next level was his Job. A lot of people posses the same trait as Feathers, and are defiant about accepting responsibilities. Even the responsibility of fending for themselves, taking on challenges and moving out of the comfort zone.
I once knew a Man who held a Degree in Graphic Arts, when he graduated the job market was overwhelmed with an overabundance of Graphic Artists. After a year or more of pounding the Pavement and filing applications, he threw the Towel in and decided that he would never land a position in his chosen field. He choose to settle for mediocrity, he took many menial jobs so he could eat. He became a Parent along the way, now he was locked in, his dream of seeing his skills come into fruition was now buried in complacency. This Guy had no Tenacity, no continuity or Drive, he was willing to throw away years of learning and dreams to drive a Taxi. All because he had developed a Defeatist Mentality early in Life. I guess he had never heard the story about the three Miners, who spent their lives mining for Gold, one day they unanimously decided that they were never going to find Gold. They agreed that they were wasting their time.
They sold their Claims, sold their Tools and took jobs as Farm hands. The new owners took possession of the Mine, hammered at the Rocks for three hours and found one of the richest Vein within three feet of where the original owners decided to quit. Moral, never give up on your Dreams, never develop a Feathers Mentality of complacency. All through my Life I have met many defeated people who showed me that being a Defeatist was to clip your own Wings. When I worked on Wall Street I met a Gifted young Man working as a Clerk, Tom and I became friends he was Opinionated as myself, during our many talks we discussed many things including why he was working as a Clerk and not in his chosen Profession as an Artist with the Talent he possessed. He related to me that years ago he developed a Cartoon, submitted it to a Famous Actor who pirated his creation and made it World famous, leaving him in the cold. A lot of his work are featured in many of my Blogs, I will let you be the Judge, did he clipped his own Wings or did the Crooked Actor.
Getting back to poor Feathers who refused to stand on his own two feet, better yet fly with his own two wings. Personally I could not wait to fly, I started working at fifteen worked straight through HS I can’t explain the immense feeling of self gratification, a fifteen year old bringing money home to supplement a single Mom’s income and dressing better than my Teachers . One stormy day Feathers Mom went out fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, the weather took a turn for the worse, visibility was poor she got lost and never found her way back to the Palm Tree they called Home. Feathers was now in a bind sink or swim, better yet fly or die. He chose neither. He dropped himself down from the Tree in a lush Hedge to feather his falling, beneath the Hedges were a colony of small Lizards, that was easy pickings for him, and that was where he spent the rest of the his life. Instead of feasting on salmon and the likes, he chose easy pickings.
Moral, you can make Chicken Salad out of your Life, or Chicken Shit, The choice is yours.
When I started my first Website which I lost due to improper Domain Registration, that Site was strictly Dedicated to Parenting. Doing Research on the Subject I came across a Book Titled Parenting with Love and Logic. I was so impressed that I contacted the Publisher and asked for Permission to Print Excerpts from the Book on my Website. Permission was granted with the Stipulation that the Excerpts didn’t exceed my own Blog Posts. I felt Privileged and Honored to receive their permission. The following Excerpts caught my attention, so here is the first of many to come.
Love and Logic Principle:
Let Teens Own Their Problems and Their Solutions
Love and Logic consultant parents help teens through life by offering choices and sharing control in the process, all the while building on their teens healthy self- concept. They let teens own their problems as well as solutions. Building a strong self- concept is the first of three things we can do with teens so when they reach the age of temptation, we’ve got a chance that they are not going to abuse drugs and alcohol or engage in other risky behaviors. The second thing we can do is to help teens learn how to make decisions. We do this in part by letting them own the responsibility, including the good feelings as well as the disappointments of those decisions, planting in their consiousness this idea: ” The quality of my Life depends on the decisions I make.” Third, we can make it clear who owns the responsibility for a particular problem.
If Parents don’t draw clear lines of demarcation when they are called for, they and their teenagers are in for a lot of grief. Let the teens own their own problems, their own feelings, their own disappointments, their own rewards. One of the worst things we do is give teens the message that they shouldn’t do something because the logical consequence of their action is to make adults mad. First that encourages them to shape their actions according to the voices outside their heads. And second it can reinforce an immature rebellion in some teens who will go out of their way to make adults mad.
Either way they don’t own the situation. For example, let’s say your daughter is Driving the family Car and she’s tempted to show off for her friends. Should she be thinking, Boy if crash this car, my dad’s really going to be mad is that how a mature teen would react? If she is a sensible young woman on her way to healthy independence, that’s not what she’ll be thinking. Instead she will say to herself, gee if I crash this car, I am going to splatter us all over the highway. Guess I better be careful. It’s the teens responsibility to own the problem and find a solution. But that’s not as easy as it sounds, because we are tempted to rush in like Helicopters to protect our son or daughter from the real world.
Or we march in like a drill Sergeant, bark a few orders, and expect the teenage troops to fall into line unquestioningly. Those temptations must be resisted. As a person in the helping profession of Education, I always felt tempted to solve my students problems. So I had to train myself to do something different by using a keyword: Bummer. Whenever I used that word, it reminded me to be careful. Don’t solve the problem for him. Don’t give him a solution. Don’t give him advice,and don’t be defensive. Let him do the thinking. And when the student hears bummer it sounds emphatic. Gee too bad Bummer. I bet that feels lousy. If we show that we understand how they feel, we hand their feelings back to them- for their control, not ours.
Ownership of problems also flounders when we confuse praise with encouragement. Twenty years ago Public Schools began using something called positive reinforcement. That philosophy says That if we spend a lot of time telling teens how well they are doing, they will do better. This approach works well with teens who sees themselves as a 10 because they don’t have to search for proof to backup their self-image. But how many teens in our classrooms or homes really consider themselves 10s? We encourage teens best by talking to them as adults.
We do not build self- concept by telling them they’re good. Teens with a poor self-image will simply discount it, and they will probably end up worse off than if we said nothing. One day teens are down; the next day they’re up. It goes with the territory. We can help by criticizing them as little as possible and by refraining from telling them what should be discovering for themselves. We want them to think for themselves, so we should be asking them questions instead of ordering them around. When they say they are going to do something stupid, we can respond, “Well, that’s an opinion. You can do that. Have you ever thought of this”this and this? We wish you well, and we will still love you no matter what happens. By talking to teens as if they were Adults, we convey the strong message that we expect them to act like adults and take charge of things in their lives. But we certainly don’t do this by Lectures or Threats.
Excepts from Parenting Teens with Love and Logic