Parenting And Relationships

Ownership Of the Problem

 

When I started my first Website which I lost due to improper Domain Registration, that Site was strictly Dedicated to Parenting. Doing Research on the Subject I came across a Book Titled Parenting with Love and Logic. I was so impressed that I contacted the Publisher and asked for Permission to Print Excerpts from the Book on my Website. Permission was granted with the Stipulation that the Excerpts didn’t exceed my own Blog Posts. I felt Privileged and Honored to receive their permission. The following Excerpts caught my attention, so here is the first of many to come.

 

 

Love and Logic Principle:

Let Teens Own Their Problems and Their Solutions

Love and Logic consultant parents help teens through life by offering choices and sharing control in the process, all the while building on their teens healthy self- concept. They let teens own their problems as well as solutions. Building a strong self- concept is the first of three things we can do with teens so when they reach the age of temptation, we’ve got a chance that they are not going to abuse drugs and alcohol or engage in other risky behaviors. The second thing we can do is to help teens learn how to make decisions. We do this in part by letting them own the responsibility, including the good feelings as well as the disappointments of those decisions, planting in their consiousness this idea: ” The quality of my Life depends on the decisions I make.” Third, we can make it clear who owns the responsibility for a particular problem.

 

 

 

If Parents don’t draw clear lines of demarcation when they are called for, they and their teenagers are in for a lot of grief. Let the teens own their own problems, their own feelings, their own disappointments, their own rewards. One of the worst things we do is give teens the message that they shouldn’t do something because the logical consequence of their action is to make adults mad. First that encourages them to shape their actions according to the voices outside their heads. And second it can reinforce an immature rebellion in some teens who will go out of their way to make adults mad.

 

 

 

Either way they don’t own the situation. For example, let’s say your daughter is Driving the family Car and she’s tempted to show off for her friends. Should she be thinking, Boy if crash this car, my dad’s really going to be mad is that how a mature teen would react? If she is a sensible young woman on her way to healthy independence, that’s not what she’ll be thinking. Instead she will say to herself, gee if I crash this car, I am going to splatter us all over the highway. Guess I better be careful. It’s the teens responsibility to own the problem and find a solution. But that’s not as easy as it sounds, because we are tempted to rush in like Helicopters to protect our son or daughter from the real world.

 

 

 

Or we march in like a drill Sergeant, bark a few orders, and expect the teenage troops to fall into line unquestioningly. Those temptations must be resisted. As a person in the helping profession of Education,  I always felt tempted to solve my students problems. So I had to train myself to do something different by using a keyword: Bummer. Whenever I used that word, it reminded me to be careful. Don’t solve the problem for him. Don’t give him a solution. Don’t give him advice,and don’t be defensive. Let him do the thinking. And when the student hears bummer it sounds emphatic. Gee too bad Bummer. I bet that feels lousy. If we show that we understand how they feel, we hand their feelings back to them-  for their control, not ours.

 

 

 

Ownership of problems also flounders when we confuse praise with encouragement. Twenty years ago Public Schools began using something called positive reinforcement. That philosophy says That if we spend a lot of time telling teens how well they are doing, they will do better. This approach works well with teens who sees themselves as a 10 because they don’t have to search for proof to backup their self-image. But how many teens in our classrooms or homes really consider themselves 10s? We encourage teens best by talking to them as adults.

 

 

 

We do not build self- concept by telling them they’re good. Teens with a poor self-image will simply discount it, and they will probably end up worse off than if we said nothing. One day teens are down; the next day they’re up. It goes with the territory. We can help by criticizing them as little as possible and by refraining from telling them what should be discovering for themselves. We want them to think for themselves, so we should be asking them questions instead of ordering them around. When they say they are going to do something stupid, we can respond, “Well, that’s an opinion. You can do that. Have you ever thought of this”this and this? We wish you well, and we will still love you no matter what happens. By talking to teens as if they were Adults, we convey the strong message that we expect them to act like adults and take charge of things in their lives. But we certainly don’t do this by Lectures or Threats.

Excepts from Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

Life, Safe Driving

The Finer Moments In Life

Driving isn’t about racing your Vehicle through City Streets. It’s not about smashing a fine Technologically crafted Vehicle sending it to the Junkyard. It’s about going places so far and remotely located, you ordinarily would not find. Places where you can unwind and recoil from a stressful week. Places to be creative, places to find yourself. Driving isn’t the place to give in to your flight of fancies and become a Bobblehead.

 

 

It’s a place to be your very best at all times, knowing that there are People out there that doesn’t give a Plugged Nickel about their Lives or yours. In my Neck of the Woods Tampa Florida I am absolutely sickened by the Fatalities caused by Careless and Reckless Driving. It appears that within a thirty miles radius there is at least one Fatality daily. Pedestrians mowed down, Bicyclists who didn’t make it back home, Motorcyclists mangled and Gifted young people changed for Life.

 

 

What are these People thinking, racing two thousand pounds of Steel through City Streets like their name was Dale. There is no other areas in life where Stupidity Rules than our Roadways. Two days ago a young Man seventeen or eighteen years old, he was a gifted Student and an Athlete with great potentials. From the Video I saw he was traveling a little to fast when he approached the intersection. For him it was a simple veering off to the right, to his left someone waiting to make a left turn misjudged his speed and took the left turn.

 

The Collision sent his car airborne flipping six or seven times. Now he is laying in a Hospital Bed in critical condition. This young man had the Face to sell products on Television, not anymore. If he had taken his Driving as seriously as I have been Preaching, he would have noticed the anxious Driver to his left, catastrophe avoided. I respect and enjoy life passionately, so every time I get behind the wheel, my Mind automatically goes in defense mode. I leave nothing to chances and your good senses.

 

 

I drive like someone navigating the Rapids, always looking for Rocks and drop off. I have been driving like that for over fifty years with great succes, with two accidents That weren’t my fault, no one injured or killed. My Driving Instructor told me to always drive like I am the only one out there that knows what I am doing. It has worked for me, it takes a special Mindfulness when you are behind the wheel. Always looking out for the other Guy is a way of life when you are behind the wheel.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Billy Jean

 

 

Billy Jean

Most Kids are Born out of accidents, very few People are smart enough to implement Plan Parenthood techniques. The accident occurres when young People are testing the Waters of their sexuality, Instead of focusing on their Education and Careers, they can’t wait to prove that they are grown up and do all the stupid things that adults do such as Smoking, Drinking, doing Drugs and getting each other Knocked up. What happens between those experimental stages and them coming to grip with the stark reality of actually growing up, defines what they have learned from you of what Life in reality is truly about. Getting Pregnant while still being a Teenager robs you of a lot of things, your youth and youthfulness, Strech Marks and Stress knows no Age.

 

 

Putting off your Education for a year or two, many times dictates its end, sometimes out of necessity to care for the Child, so please explain to me the benefits of that moment’s pleasure. I hate to be so brutally frank but the Birds and the Bees do not work for me. When my Brother and I were Teenagers and becoming sexually active my Mother told us that when you’re out there feeling your Oats don’t forget to keep your Drawers up because I have raised you and I am not going to raise your indiscretions. He wasn’t listening to the Greatest Sex Talk that a single Mom was giving to her two Male Children, he became a father at seventeen without a Job, putting the burden on the Girl’s Parents.

 

 

 

When my Mother became Pregnant with her first Child her good Christian Parents ejected her from the family main Resistance into the one Room Guest Shack twenty five yards from the comfort of her Home. My Mother was the Ultimate Mother, she was practicing when she was still a Child helping her Mother care for her twelve other indiscretions, How Hypocritical. As the result of helping her Mother changing Diapers and preparing Meals she was taken out of School at an early age which robbed her of a formal Education, all she was afforded was the basics. With an above average intelligence she was forced to take a Domestic Position with a General’s Family.

The family saw the injustice perpetrated on her and decided to Home School her. They say Education make fools of those without Common Sense. Her Home Schooling and Common Sense allowed her to Rub Elbows with People who were way above her Menial Education such as Ships Captains and Doctors, she even turned down Marriage from a Doctor who didn’t believe in having Children around. Anyway we are talking about Children throwing away the rest of their lives for a moment’s Pleasure. With a College Degree in Economic she could lead a Third World country out of Poverty, with the little money she made people in School including Teachers thought we were Rich, she knew how to make a Dollar out of fifteen Cents.

 

 

I would like to quit talking about her but she was Brilliant with her Parenting Skills, I started going Bad early and she picked up on it early. Can you imagine the Dilemma for a single Mom who sent her Adolescent Son to Sunday School every Sunday finding an Ounce of High Quality Marijuana in her fourteen Years pocket while doing the Laundry. How she handled the situation was an Education for me to raise two Boys in New York City and never feared them using Drugs when it was everywhere around them. When she found my Weed she flushed it down the Toilet and gave herself a week to cool down instead of beating me into a Coma for letting her down. Once she cooled down and got over the blow that I had delt her. 

One Day out of the blue she told me that if I continued this Lifestyle she was going to put me in Juveniles Detention. Personally I think that was just a scare Tactic. Regardless the job she performed as a Drug Counselor was of PHD quality, telling me about the Gateway effects, Crime and Punishment to withdrawal from other Opiates, even though she was never a user her Knowledge was vast. Anyway that’s enough about her Parenting Skills we are talking about yours, for not talking to your Kids about the Dangers of being sexually active as Teenagers. You need to tell them that becoming a Parent changes their Lives forever, the Baby has to Eat even if you go to Bed hungry, the Baby needs Clothes even when there are holes in yours it needs Medical treatment when you have to take an Aspirin.

Having a Child is a life changing experience. My Grandma was a Puritanical Woman she never had the Talk that my Mother had with me at fifteen when I was looking up Girls Skirts, she said first you need an Education and a Job before you start making Babies there are too many Fatherless Homes out there. While working at the Resort on St Pete Beach I observed two fifteen years old Kids in the Kiddies Pool with Moves that told me they were having Sex regularly. Where were their Parents who bought the Plane Tickets and paid for the Hotel Rooms. Like T Sex said Bang a Gong get it on. I once met a Man who taught he was a Player, he bragged to me that he had twenty Kids, that’s just about as Hillbilly as this business of Sex gets. Fatherless Homes is an Epidemic in this Country. She said I am the one but the Kid is not my Son. Thank you Michael for the insight, Pac said it best ” Brenda is having A Baby the Girl can barely spell Her Name”.

 

P.S I know that there are some duplicate contents, but sometimes when you are trying to drive a point home you become repetitive.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Knowing The Signs

 

Knowing The Signs

First of all let me say that we all can’t be Blessed with perfect Offsprings. Some of them needs a little more attention and vigilance than others. Most People that crawl in the sack and make a Baby thinks that putting a Roof over their Heads and feeding them makes them a good Parent. In my neck of the Woods a young man worked at McDonald’s by day and by night he Randomly killed four People. The Tragedy of it all is that he had never met any of these people, they did him no wrong so there were no Axes to grind.

On November 28 2017, police arrested Howell Emanuel Donaldson III after he handed a pistol in a bag to his manager, who alerted police.

Subsequent investigation revealed that the pistol may have fired the bullets used in the killings and that Donaldson’s cell phone had been in the vicinity of the killings at the relevant times, while a search of Donaldson’s vehicle found clothing similar to that seen in surveillance footage of the killing. On that basis, police charged Donaldson with four counts of murder. Donaldson stated that the pistol belonged to him but did not state that he had committed the killings. Donaldson was indicted on the charges on December 7, 2017. He pleaded not guilty to all charges five days later. On January 23, 2018, Hillsborough State Attorney Andrew Warren announced that the state would seek the death penalty against Donaldson.

When the Cops asked his Parents to shed some light on the Case as to what went wrong. they refused to help the investigation in any way shape or form, I guess they were embarrassed of the miserable job they did protecting John Q. Public from their little Monster.

If you think that they are good Parents you also need help. Parenting is way more complex beyond the average person understanding  skills and capabilities.

We believe that it is your responsibility to learn the Job you put yourself in. When I started showing signs of being a Juvenile Delinquent, my Mother became Cop, Drug counselor and Clergy to derail the Train I was on. She once told me a story of a young Man on his way to be executed, called his Mother close to the Cell Bars, bit her Ear off, telling her that’s for not telling me that I couldn’t get away with Murder.

Killed 17 fellow Students

Every Cop is not a good Cop, every Doctor is not a good Doctor, every Lawyer is not a good Lawyer and so it is with Parenting. Good parenting isn’t something that comes naturally, it is a learned process, mostly you learn from your parents and their parents and your own failures and success. Back in ancient times it was the Job of the entire village to raise the children in African culture. If your kid screwed up a neighbor could spank the child. Doctor Spock don’t believe in spanking a child, but if my Mother didn’t stand her Ground during my Turbulent Teen, which at that point I caught her drift about Crime and punishment, I probably would have committed murder by fourteen. Some kids are that way, they are knuckleheads, so was I defiant of Laws and authority. I have told my wife many times that my Mother was a bigger man than I could ever be raising a rambunctious child as I was, luckily I put it all together and realized that if I continued on the same path into adulthood , I in all likelihood would have done Prison Time. Some of us possess the ability to rise above ourselves others don’t. The only difference for me and others who went astray is the woman I called Mom. She was not going to have any child of her’s do any prison time even if she had to maime or crippled me. Also giving up was not in her vocabulary. It appears to me that Donaldson had given his Parents signals way early before he started acting out his fantasy of popping in a neighborhood killing a few of it’s Residents and fade into the Night. Raising a monster and not knowing the signs, is failure on your behalf.

If it takes Professional help or whatever intervention to turn a twisted child around before he acts out on Society it is your Job to observe and detect abnormalities and aberrations. You can’t walk with your Head in the Clouds saying not my child, even with the smoking gun in Hand and a dead Body in front of him. Being in denial helps no one. I showed early signs of being a bad Ass and being Mom and Pop she made a full-time Job of turning my life around. I am quite sure if she thought she was fighting a losing battle she would have grudgingly made me the ward of the State’s, by putting me in Juveniles Detentions for my own and Society’s good.

Many Parents can’t and won’t come to grips with situations like that, so they just let the kid run its course until he is all grown up and his Demons with him, killing innocent people at night randomly like his name was Jack the Ripper. As I have said before parenting is The hardest job in the world but you bought the Job when you had them. You can’t just drop them like a Cat and turn them loose on Society. Murderous Tendencies goes back to Cain, People forget that Lucifer was an Arc Angel, God’s right hand Man, going bad is a defect that  Plagues Mankind since the beginning of time how we deal with our Fallacies define who we are.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Mean Streets

To all you youthful Rebels out there who think that your life is a living Hell living under what you might consider to be a Dictatorship. Slow down and look at the big Picture, a lot of us are on this Earth strictly by accident. Our Parents never meant to have us, but out of an act of nature you were conceived, and there was no going back. Many of our Parents were just Kids themselves when they crawled into the Sack and got knocked up. Some without a conscience abort their mistakes, consider yourself lucky as I do. I myself was a late Pregnancy, my Mother got Pregnant at thirty seven her entire Family advised her to have an Abortion because the Pregnancy was dangerous at that age with poor Health.

Thank God she didn’t listen to them, otherwise I would not be here to tell you that no matter how bad it is where you are it’s worse out there on the Streets. From fourteen to eighteen I was a product of the Streets, I undermined all my Mother’s Christian Teachings, hard work and Dedication to raise an Upstanding World Class Citizen. At fourteen years old I was introduced to the finest Marijuana grown around the World by a twelve year old Boy who went to Catholic School. His older Sister was an Airline Steward, she was the Mule that brought the finest Weed grown from around the World to the Bronx. Her older brother was the Dealer, their Parents were the Pillars of the Community, one a Public Servant the other a CPA.

I was a Rebel without a Cause or a clue doing stupid Shit just to prove that I was a Man being Raised by a Single Mom, and to let her know that I wasn’t going to listen to a Woman. That Woman was Godsend in delivering me from the Streets. At fourteen while doing my Laundry she found an Ounce of Marijuana in my Pocket, flushed it in the Toilet, not a word was said of her find.

Several Weeks later she sat me down and Counseled me of the dangers of smoking Weed and what it could lead to as a Gateway Drug, instead of kicking me out of her House into the Streets where I belonged with my Bitch Ass Attitude about being Raised by a Single Mom. She knew how the Streets were, seen as how her Parents kicked her out of their Home when she got Pregnant with her first Kid.

For four more years she put up with my Crap. Her secret Weapon was her strong belief in God, that we were all put on this Earth to go through Trials and Tribulations, the purpose, to make us strong and Triumphant. Also she used the Technique of Love and Logic Parenting style on me, allowing me to screw up as much as I wanted to, then coming full Circle with my actions and face the consequences, while counselling me about Crime and Punishment.

Mass Murderer

After four years of living the Street life of Drinking Colt 45, Old English and smoking the finest Weed from around the World, while steadily being prodded to sell it.

I squeaked out of High School barely Literate from the beating I put on my Brain from smoking all that High quality Weed for four years, when I should have been prepping myself for College to become a Literary Scholar, instead of Partying my Life away. In the end Mom was Triumphant, at eighteen I realized that if I continued hanging in the Streets it would only be a matter of time before I was selling Kilos, and doing time with Brothers who wanted to make me their Woman. At that point in my young life I had seen the Light and since steadily walked the straight and narrow. One of my Cousins took an Offer that I refused, made himself Wealthy, caught five Bullets and did fifteen years in Prison, forget about the money, those were my five Bullets and my fifteen years. What good would it have done me to become wealthy while losing my Soul to the Streets. What I am trying to tell you young Rebels, is the Streets is no place to be Somebody. It is better to stay in what you may consider an oppressive situation, make it your Job, your Vendetta, your Driving Force to become Educated and set yourself Free.

P.S. this is my Tribute to Tom Petty’s Soul Asylum.

Lyrics

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep
So many secrets I couldn’t keep
Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep

It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life’s mystery seems so faded.