Life, Parenting And Relationships

On The Axis



Coordinates of Life

It doesn’t matter whether you turned 18 in the 1800s or 1972 or 2000 we all went through the same doubts, insecurity and confusion. We are not Kids anymore yet we are not Adults in the true sense, young Adults maybe, some of us never crossed the Threshold. Crossing over into Adulthood is a big step, it means taking responsibility for everything from here on in. If you choose to use Drugs or Alcohol be aware that for each action there is a reaction, whether Behavioural Psychological or Health and they all have Consequences.


I started smoking Cigarettes at fourteen fifty years later COPD, Emphysema, Marijuana at fourteen, Inertia all through High School, it distracted me from Shakespeare and put me in Edgar Allan Poe’s World, Beer at fourteen Alcoholic at nineteen. Worst of all I was a sneak, living under a Christian Woman’s Roof. Luckily I was able to overcome all but the Cigarettes by twenty one, yeah but at what Price wanting to prove to myself that I was a Man I blew the learning years. By the time that I realized the Importance of a College Education the Window of opportunity was closed. Luckily I broke away from my influences before twenty one, I could have been a Bum for the rest of my Life. In Life your associations picks you up or drag you down, choose them wisely. Don’t be a Sheep in the Herd, be the Shepard.


Peer Pressure is worse than any Addiction it makes you do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t  have even thought of on your own, don’t fall for the Trap, if you love me or if you want to be with me. In High School we had a saying ” instead of pulling themselves out of the Hole they are in a Junkie will pull you in”, part of making the Transition into Adulthood is being your own Person ( Individuality) then there is Responsibility. To me Responsibility is the hardest part about Being an Adult, being an Adult means that now you have to fend for yourself( provide, care and protect yourself) that is why you should not be in a hurry to agitate your Parents with bad behavior, while they are putting a Roof over your head and food in your Stomach, they have your best interest at Heart.


Ask anyone in College who are working their way through School. Fending for yourself without a Proper Education is scrounging Bottom. Don’t be in such a hurry to be Kicked out on your own. Most Parents will support their kids late into their twenties and some Beyond. I once lived next door to a fifty years old Man who lived off his seventy five years old Mother. He lost his Driving Privileges through DUI. Not being able to Drive himself to Work made him a Dependent, he wasn’t even ambitious enough to take any job within walking distance. Being a Dependent all your Life is choosing not to cross the Threshold. Remember the word Responsibility.


The awkward years are difficult for anyone, remember childhood isn’t far behind and the challenges of Adulthood is right in front of you, take time relishing your youth, while making Bold smart steps into Adulthood. As soon as you look around the years are gone and you are now your Parents Reflection, a Parent yourself with the Headaches of raising a Child who knows everything, I was that Child. At fourteen I knew everything including how to get stoned on weed, who did it hurt but me, who suffered from Inertia, me, what did I gained, nothing, what did I loose everything, the chance of being a Scholar and an Author.


Instead I did what I had to do to make a Living to support the Family I could not wait to have, Finding out fifty years later that I like sharing my Thoughts and a Vivid Imagination is an essential for Writing. To be eighteen again I wouldn’t have  blown precious youth in hurrying to grow old. I would have taken  time to smell the Roses before I became addicted to Coffee and Nicotine. At the end of writing this Blog I just Learned that Teens Smoking went up 80% . If Jumping off the San Francisco Bridge was Trending, would you be there. Vaping is Trending please don’t Jump, its just as bad as Nicotine or worse, it gives you Popcorn Lunges. Chart your Course follow your chosen Path because the Axis of Life fades like Footprints in the Sand. Making the right choices dictates the rest of your Life, Eighteen is your fork in the Road choose wisely.



Insights from Alice Cooper


Lines form on my face and hands

Lines form from the ups and downs

I’m in the middle without any plans

I’m a boy and I’m a man

I’m eighteen

And I don’t know what I want


I just don’t know what I want


I gotta get away

I gotta get out of this place

I’ll go runnin’ in outer space

Oh yeah

I got a

Baby’s brain and an old man’s heart

Took eighteen years to get this far

Don’t always know what I’m talkin’ about

Feels like I’m livin’ in the middle of doubt

‘Cause I’m


I get confused every day


I just don’t know what to say


I gotta get away

Lines form on my face and my hands

Lines form on the left and right

I’m in the middle

The middle of life

I’m a boy and I’m a man

I’m eighteen and I like it

Yes I like it

Oh I like it

Love it

Like it

Love it




Eighteen and I like it

Songwriters: Alice Cooper / Dennis Dunaway

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Fell Asleep At The Wheel


Nikolas Cruz
Killed 17 fellow Students



Fell Asleep At The Wheel

Several Months ago I wrote a Blog about Inept People in the workplace that Blog is still pending. Over the past couple of Months I have been following the Story about Nikolas Cruz, he is a young Man with a Troubled past who had sent his Guardians, his friends, his School and the world messages, even on Facebook that he was a stick of Dynamite waiting to Blow. No one read the Signals, one Day the Powder keg Blew. On February 14 2018 Cruz went to School carrying what was visibly a Rifle Bag, I am just about certain that the School Monitor told Authorities that he saw the Bag and identified it as a Rifle Bag. The Monitor’s failure to approach Cruz and ask him to open the Bag was just one Fatal piece of the series of ineptness of all involved, that allowed Cruz to carry out an Act of Terrorism on his fellow Classmates and Faculty members.


The Troubled Youth went inside Majory Stoneman Douglas High School and Killed seventeen of his fellow Students and Staff Members, he also injured seventeen others. While the Massacres unfolded there was an Armed Sheriff Deputy on the Campus Grounds that made no attempt to enter the Building to minimize the Carnage. Did I mention Ineptness and Cowardness, at twelve years old I was a Man of action. One Day while playing in the Schoolyard one of my Classmates fell on a broken Bottle severing his Wrist 90%. My fellow Classmates gathered panick strickened and watched his Life flowing away from his Body, I immediately jumped into action taking off my Belt making a Tourniquet, applying it to his Forearm tightening and Loosening it until the Ambulance came.



The Medics told me that I saved his Life. That’s who I have been all my Life, someone who could spot Danger and wasn’t afraid to jump right into a Dangerous situation to save Lives. All the People involved in the Majory Stoneman Massacre kept a Hands off Stance. His close friends knew he had access to Dangerous Weapons while Harboring  bad Temperaments towards his fellow Classmates, the only Parity to be drawn is ” Friends don’t let Friends Drive Drunk” no one lift a Finger to Alert Authorities of the Ticking Time Bomb. The School also fell asleep at the Wheel, there were numerous Documents of Antisocial Behaviour and of fighting and Threatening, even on Facebook.




The Warning Signals were Louder than 100 Kids in the Hallways, yet no one heard, did I mention Ineptness, if you have a Child that enjoys Torturing and Killing Lizards and small Animals “Ding Dong” is there someone at the Door, na just my imagination. Cruz have been acting out for a Long time, his Guardian slept the entire Trip, so did his Friends The School, the School Monitor and the Deputy on Duty. In many of my Blogs I have stated that there are many People  who are Parents and Guardians that should  not be allowed to care for Dogs and Cats. In one of my earlier Blogs Titled Fatherless Homes it is Documented that 90% of Social upheavals comes from these Homes I have said it over and again, putting a Roof over their Heads and food on the Table is not all there is to Parenting.



I’m somewhat of an Authority on Problematic Teens, at fourteen I smoked Weed and drank Beer regularly. Many Nights my Mother worked overtime and she got Home before I did, stumbling in after a hard Day of Partying, one morning I came stumbling in five A.M. peeping out of three Eyes. I took years off that poor woman’s life, can you imagine working all Day, coming Home and not seeing your sixteen years old child for almost twenty four Hours. My Mother was a Caring Loving Person she never once abused any of her Children, that Day I had pushed her to her Limits. She stayed up all Night to Exercise the little Minion called Me, if I ever returned.



She Lay waited me behind the Door with a Broomstick and dropped me to my Knees, that was the last time I tried to Undermine her, that Assault Taught me that Laws weren’t made to be broken by some dumb Kid on a Runaway Train. If the Courts had gotten whiff of her trying to Crippled me, she would have been in Jail and I would have been free to Run Amok on Society. I gave that Woman Insomnia, she never once fell asleep at the Wheel. Today fifty years later I am still thankful for her taking control and being the Responsible Party. Every Day I awake I give God thanks for giving me a Vigilant Parent who refused to sleep. The People that I was Partying with were Devious People, all the while me thinking they were cool Adults allowing a Kid to hang with them.



They had ulterior Motives, they were Grooming me to sell their products. Mother didn’t fall asleep at the Wheel, she didn’t know the who, what, where and why but she knew something was wrong. Today I am here to tell Parents of Problematic Teens don’t go to sleep. Mother told me a Story fifty years ago, up to Today I still think that she was pulling my Leg. She said there once was a young Man awaiting Execution, his Mother came to say goodbye, he called her close to the Bars as if to whisper in her Ear. To the Mother’s surprise he Bit her Ear off telling her” that’s for not telling me that I couldn’t get away with Murder” true or false I got the Message.

Life, Parenting And Relationships, Safe Driving

The Speed Bug



The. Speed Bug

Today I wake up to the News that two Highway Murders were going on Trial for taking the Lives of a young Mother and her Infant Child one year ago. Those two Egomaniacs were Racing on a Public Street at speeds over 100 MPH in the middle of the Day, the young Woman was pushing the Stroller while crossing the Street. Wheather or not she was crossing with the Light they didn’t have a chance, this was an illfated Day for the Victims. The two Oxi-morons were probably allowed to post Bonds and go on living their miserable Lives. Drag Racing is been around since Moonshine Running which gave Birth to NASCAR Racing, what is new is the B***h attitude that everyone has in my neck of the Woods when they get behind the Wheel. It doesn’t matter if the Vehicle is thirty years old and poorly maintained People around the Tampa area runs their Vehicles hard with Reckless Abandon and they all posses the B attitude. What they are trying to prove or to whom behooves me, Driving cross-country Commercially and on Leisure Trips I have noticed that the B attitude is of Epidemic porpotion. Road Rage is the offspring of this Attitude, from seventy five to seventeen the Attitude prevails, it doesn’t matter whether they are Educated, Professionals, Men or Women the Attitude Rules our Roadways.



That’s what separates a Motorist from the Crowd, a Motorist cares for and about his Vehicle and it’s operations, he also cares for his fellow Drivers by always exercising Courtesy and caution. I had the Best Driving Instructor, he told me to always drive like I was the only one on the Road that knows what I am doing, yet he never mentioned anything about being a good Motorist, there is a difference between Motorists” Drivers and vehicle operators. Vehicle Operators have minimum skills, with continuous learning they become good Drivers, a Motorist knows the Dynamics of a Vehicle, it’s capabilities and inadequacies in different Weather conditions and operations. 



There is no doubt in my Mind that those two Highway Murders didn’t know that at 110 MPH, on a dry Road with good brakes, the Vehicle will skid 340 feet more before stopping. This distance combined with perception and reaction time and distance means you need about 600 feet to stop a Vehicle traveling at 110. MPH and even more with a Pickup Truck. Forget about all the Technical stuff what about Contingencies, it was a clear Day with good weather conditions traveling Amsterdam Ave in Manhattan, I was going five miles over the Speed limit. Out of the Blue a four years old Child chased his Ball into the Street in front of me. Forty years later I still don’t give myself credit for saving his Life, I stopped within six inches of the Child, if the Car had rocked forwards the Catastrophe would have been all mine.





That is what being a good Motorist is all about, saving Lives. Being a good Motorist is a practiced way of Driving knowing that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. Taking all into consideration, why would I go Racing my thirty seven Thousand Dollars Plastic and Fiberglass Heap through City Streets, my Car is surrounded with Censors, yet I operate the Vehicle as if there were none. Many years ago while traveling the Vanwycke Highway in Queens, it was early afternoon, I was traveling at 65 ten miles over the Speed limit. Two Brand New Cars blew my Doors off doing 80 +, two hundred yards ahead of me they simultaneously decided to enter the middle Lane, slamming together they littered the Roadway in front of me.





I narrowly escaped being part of the Catastrophe by Driving on the Grassy Shoulder, I didn’t stop, there was nothing I could do they needed a Priest. With all the Hands on experience why wouldn’t I strive to be the best Motorist that I can be, and why shouldn’t you. Many Nights I travel the Bayside Bridge at twelve Am, nowhere else in the Tampa area is it more evident that Mindless Drones rules the Roadways, 100+ is not an occasional occurrence, when someone is Barreling towards me I move two Lanes away from them. I believe that the two Mindless Drones that killed the young Mother was exiting a Bridge onto a quiet Street. I see their faces on Television and Moron is written all over them. And so in conclusion don’t be a Moron, Drive like your Life and others depends on your good senses.





Incidentally they had just Graduated High School, I know they didn’t have the Money to buy Hot Mustangs. At seventeen my first decent Car came off a used Lot with money earned from working part time, buying my first Car and getting insurance with my own Money taught me Responsibility. Buying your Kids brand new Cars knowing that they are irresponsible, (no one knows a Child more than a Parent) puts the blame for that young Mother’s and Infant’s Death in your Lap. Buying expensive Toys don’t fill the Void of being a Parent.

P.S.  Once again speed kills.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Belly Of The Beast




When I started Blogging I Developed a Website called Saving Kids I lost the Domain because of my failure to register the Domain Name properly. My intention for the Site was to reach out to Problematic Teens and their Beleaguered Parents, in hope to change the life of just one young person heading down the Road that I traveled during my Turbulent Teen. I started on a self destructive Path before I was fourteen I was a Thrill seeker, at thirteen I tinkered with Explosives by Dismantling Shotgun Shells and re-packaged them for a bigger Bang, Stole Expensive Racehorses and ran them on Blacktop till they were Tenderfooted, they were finished as Racehorses, Victor and I would sneak than back under the cover of darkness.



One day Victor went on a mission without me, he got caught the owner beat him with a Bullwhip shredding his Shirt and his Skin. I saw him running down the street passing my House I called to him, he was a Hair away from being stark staring mad, that cured my Horse Rustling days. Victor came from a good Family, my Mother was a good Christian Woman who tried to instill good values, yet we defied our Parents and chose to be Bad. There were absolutely no reason for us to be clueless Rebels. Just turned fourteen and there are two Teenage Gunmen  looking for me for savagely beating their Kid Brother who was two years older than I was. The Gunmen died in a hail of Bullets crashing a Gang Party that I had planned to attend. I viewed their open Caskets with their faces dimpled with Bullets, that cured me from wanting to be a Badass. if we had continued on that path we would have been Dead before twenty one.


I moved away from Victor before my fifteenth Birthday, that was the best thing for both of us, we were each other’s alter ego. That move brought me to a House where all the Children of a Model Family were involved in Drugs. The Twelve years Baby got me smoking weed with him, I was cursed with bad association, can you imagine a twelve and fourteen years old smoking the Best Strains from around the World. You think that’s bad, one year ago in my Neighborhood of Tampa Florida three kids fourteen, fifteen and sixteen lost their lives in a fiery crash at speed over 100MPH after stealing Cars from Lots and playing Tag.


These three kids just brought the numbers up close to fifteen, dead and Buried, Girls included, all in Pinellas County. This Blog is for the Kids of Pinellas County it will be Posted on Facebook. I was once a big Thrill seeker who should have been Dead before fifteen but I had a guardian Angel called Mom, she never gave up on me and that made all the difference in the world to shape the rest of my Life. Her patience with my bad behavior gave me time to wakeup from the Nightmare Life I was living and to realize that Prison Life was for Fools, someone who doesn’t have one live Brain cell in his Head. It isn’t a place where a Vagrant should lay their Head, I would rather sleep under a Bridge in the Dead of Winter instead of a warm Cell with some Man Sodomizing me. If you survive Prison you won’t survive the Diseases passed around in there, if you survive the Diseases found in there, Early Death is inevitable at the hands of your associations.


Having a Rational and figurative mind helps in making the choice of how your Life begins or ends, but as the saying goes “its all mind over matter and if you have no mind it doesn’t matter”. Again with the sayings “its your Life you can make Chicken Salad or Chicken Shit out of it”. My Mother was Sweet and Sour, she gave me a Timeline to turn over a new Leaf or chose a Cot in a Juvenile Detention Center, that’s tough Love to protect Society from me and myself from me. Juvenile Delinquency is of Epidemic proportions in this Country and many places like Venezuela. In America there is hardly a need for Kids to turn to Crime to survive, if their Parents can’t provide for them Welfare steps in.




As Venezuela’s two presidents face off, children scavenge for food and soldiers run out of patience


Places like Venezuela they have bad Economy, no Jobs and no Welfare, the Parents can’t find work the Kids are hungry, so as early as eleven they are inducted into Gang Life, a Refuge from the brutality of Poverty, now they become the Bread Winner. My Mother was a good Provider I had zero reason to become attracted to the Underground lifestyle that I chose, 100% Dead end. They say that Crime doesn’t Pay, Bull, The Lawyers make out like Bandits Judges make three figures Salary to send you away for long portions of your life, The Misdemeanor Fines are enough to Finance a Prison on every Block. I work in a Justice System, with one Misdemeanor I wouldn’t have the Job.



The massive Courthouse Complex a five Hundred Million Dollar Building stands in front of a Billion Dollars Prison Complex. If you can’t afford to buy your way out like OJ did, this is your new Home for a long time. The Walls are Thick with small Windows yet I hear the Screams of Frustration and Abuse. My God I am a Genius for keeping my Nose clean growing up in the Bronx running with the wrong Crowd. This is my Bronx Tale. I would say that 75% of the People I knew at Thaft H.S. on 172nd St, walking Distance to the Streets where the Bronx Tale occurred, are in Prison, on Drugs or Dead. God snatched me from the Belly of the Beast, He gave me the strength to stand Tall. All my life I wondered why he saved me from the Beast and kept me alive.


Today I know why, it’s to tell all you young Brothers and Sisters under Lockdown, that you also can rise above your Bronx Neighborhoods to be where I am now. He kept me alive long enough to collect some of the half a Million in my Social Security Fund, good Health and Strength to still be Working while collecting, Drive Bad Rides and live in an Affluent Community. I never got Rich because I was smart enough to turn down every offers from Drug Lords, one offered me five Thousand a week at twenty one, one offered to front me ten Thousand Dollars of uncut Cocaine monthly, no upfront money. If I stepped on it five times that worked out to fifty Thousand Monthly. The last time I saw my Best friend from High School he was running from the F.B.I. From the Bronx to Compton to Caracas Venezuela, I am telling you Kids its not worth it. Prison is like living in the Belly of the Beast. And so in conclusion let me say to you little Tough Guys out there, you are not Tough until you are Tough enough to see the Light, Tough enough to make changes in your Life, it’s easy to stay stupid all your Life. Frank and Jessie James were Tough Guys. Mark was a Tough Guy, his wife a Sharpshooter shot and killed him at fifty yards claiming it was an Accident, while having an affair with his Brother. Hector was well Built, he crossed three High School Football Players, they beat him to Death with their Fists, when these three Tough Guys were caught they whimpered like little Girls knowing that they were going to Prison for a long time. Aaron Hernandez was a Tough Guy he Shot many People killed one, he was tough to the end when he committed Suicide. Are you Tough enough.


Life, Parenting And Relationships

Sins Of The Fathers


Sins of The Fathers

Mona was someone not of this world, someone who possessed Angelic qualities, her propensity for caring led her to the Medical field, Empathy flowed from her Heart to her grateful Patients. Her willingness to embrace  fellowship touched me and I will never stop loving her for that, the Skin she lived in paled mine, though the Color of our Soul was one and the same, she treated me like her Brother and that is what that was totally unique about her from the rest of her Family. Mona was a Rare Flower born into a Savage Garden of Haters for a Family, some had colourful and Dubious backgrounds. I met her from working with her two no good Brothers they were young Men who had inherited a Famly’s Legacy of Hate.

Their Uncle was one of my Supervisors, a Hater who was too polite to let his true feelings show. One thing about Haters that I became skilled at was Body Language and overall communication with People of different colors. I will forever be talking about my English Literature Teacher, she told me to always seek to find out what the Author isn’t saying. I took that advice to the next Level into conversations, call me presumptuous but I know what you mean without you saying it outrightly, I guess that’s a form of Prejudice but I had good Teachers. To say she had a Thorny Family History is an understatement of great Proportion.

Story told one of her uncle  living in an abusive relationship with his Wife’s Family, one day went off the Deep End, chased his Brother-in-law down Main Street and shot him Dead like one of the Deers he Hunted. Hate is a Pandora’s Box once opened you never know how or what it’s going to manifest into. Sure he had extenuating circumstances but the undercurrent made it easy to carry out the Deed. I am a firm Believer that for every mass Shootings that have occurred over the last thirty years Hate is the underlying current, Mental Illnesses is only part of the Equation. Several Months ago in my Home State of Florida a Kid went to School, shot and Killed seventeen of his Classmates, gingerly exited the Building, went to McDonald’s and bought A Meal.

Whatever the Catalyst that brought the Hate to a Crescendo is of no significance, this young Man was filled with Hate. Mona’s Family Indoctrinated their Children in a Legacy of Hate, she was an Oasis in the Desert she Inherited. Nonetheless she stood Tall and Proud to be a Child of God she carried herself like Mother Teresa and showered all with equal kindness. Her Brothers were Carbon Copies of their parents, they Loved Tupac, not for telling War Stories but for Spattering the N word all over his Lyrics, each time he spat the Word they Salivated, they had a Huge Collection which told me how Rap Music got so big, Haters love to hear the word spoken by the owner.

Ironic that they would invite me to their Home to eat their food and drink their Liquor, as if to Brag to their parents that they found a good one, as in Guess who is coming to Dinner, She was my Favorite Movie Star until one Day on fifty fifth Street she was struggling with a heavy Box up the Stairs to her Townhouse, I called her by Name and asked her if I could help her. She Stereotyped me shuddered with Fear and Repelled my offer to help her. Now here I am reliving the Movie in Mona’s Home the Day before Thanksgiving, having a Beer in the Living Room. It was there that I met her Boyfriend, he was someone that I had met years earlier when he was a Kid in his Father’s Automotive Parts Store.

The Person he had grown into shuddered my Human instincts with Fear, upon the introduction I extended my hand, the Hair on the back of my Neck stood straight like a Cat ready to do Battle. Animals have sences we rarely posses, they perceive Threats and Danger when we don’t. The Automotive Business was good to his Family they Became Well off. Like any other spoiled rotten Rich Kid he plundered his huge Allowances,  Crack Cocaine was his Penchant, that was what my instincts picked up on when my naked eyes didn’t. Those same instincts told me he was a Hater, the look he gave me when our Eyes Bounced was that of what are you doing here, you don’t belong. I had seen that Look many times living in the Neighbourhood where the Family’s Business was located.

I was impervious to that Look because of my early Training, Mother always told us that they might Hate you, but they will Respect you for the Job you do and the way you carry yourself. She said whatever job you do be the very best at it, they will Hate you for being the best while loving you for it. Isn’t it ironic I paid huge Rent to be away from Hood Life yet Crack was all around me in an Affluent Neighborhood, all because their Parents Funded their Habits with huge Allowances. Mona’s Boyfriend was the Latest Victim of the Coca Plant that goes back as far as Hernan Cortes1500 AD Conquests. By wanting to Marry into Money she became a victim also. Her Parents were too busy Hating to warn her of the Dangers of selling your Soul for Money. Peer Pressure is a Dangerous Social Disease, from wanting to be with him she did what he did to stay together, what a Tragedy for someone of Her Character to Befall.


When my Kids were in High School we argued a lot about Peer Pressure, she didn’t believe it was as Formidable as I did, but I knew different from watching my Best Friend in High School Plying his Girlfriend to Smoke Weed with us. She was strong, all through H.S. she never took a Drag, she waited till she was Married to him and smoked Crack with Him while she was Pregnant producing three Crack Babies, another Tragedy in my Life that I witnessed including Mona’s. It was getting late Thursday the Eve of Thanksgiving, I said goodbye to Mona and her Family. The weekend passed, watching the News Monday Morning I learned that Mark had beaten Mona badly  that Thursday Night over the last Hit of Crack, tied her up Duct Taped her Mouth and left Her in a Closet for three Days Pregnant with His Child, she went Home to Jesus Talking Her Heart of Gold. Absolutely Mind boggling, she survived Her Family’s Legacy of Hate and bad Karma to be Succumbed by Crack Cocaine. Parting Words ” Only the Good Die Young”.



Sins of the Father or Sins of the Fathers derives from Biblical references (primarily in the books Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers) to the sins (or iniquities) of one generation passing to another. The idea has been conveyed paraphrastically into popular culture.


Niel Young ” You who are on the Road must have a code that you can live by and so let the past be a goodbye”