Life, Parenting And Relationships



They are Better off!

That’s the reasoning of one Evil deranged mother who killed her Children gave to the Cops. A couple of days ago in my Hometown a Man who was going through a bitter Divorce, was convicted of Murder. I believe that Evidence was presented in Court that he said that if he can’t have his five years old Daughter then no one  can have her, just before throwing her off a Bridge to her Death. A year earlier a Mother in Largo going through a bitter breakup slammed her two years old son Jordan against the wall, knocking him out, stuffed his lifeless Body in a Black plastic Bag and dumped his Body in the Park next Door. The list goes on and on people going through the Meat grinder known as life, choosing to exact revenge by killing the Child of someone who is putting them through the hoops of fire. With the intention of dodging Justice they sit in a Courtroom through the entire Proceedings with a stupid distance Glare trying Bullshit the jurors that they are insane or were, the moment they comitted the Ghastly act of extinguishing their child’s life. All in the name of punishing the one who dumped them.

Is the Human Mind so frail that the first Pothole they encounter on the Road called Life causes them to flip. Or are the evil Minions that is within so powerful that all their power to reason and ability to make sound Judgements are no match and render rationality helplessly. If that is the case the greatest number of Prents have failed us, by not instilling in their Children that Life is not a Bed of Roses. Adversity is as much a part of Life as Happiness and Joy. Not instilling in your Children that they can’t always get what they want and that things aren’t always going to go your way is shortchanging their Development process. The Human Mind is a Tangled Ball of Spaghetti, if you don’t start unraveling that Ball as early as one year old the rest of your parenting job is one long uphill battle.

When my youngest child was one year old sitting in his Highchair having a fit by tossing his spoon on the Floor, I would remove him from the Chair and place him next to his spoon for him to retrieve his own spoon. After fifteen times of you picking up that spoon you are in his control. If you let them know early in Life that things aren’t always going to go their way they are winners so are you by eliminating future Tantrums and personality upheavals. It behooves me the amount of time we spend in training our Pets yet we allow our Children to Rough Ride us all the way from infancy to Teenagers. When they are successful in manipulating you they grow up fearless of Society and it’s Laws. That’s why they sit in the Courtroom with that empty Glare trying to Manipulate the Jurors trying to avoid punishment for throwing their own five years old child from a Bridge, onto that hard Concrete Pavement Below.

I am quite sure that his Parents thought they were great parents when he was growing up throwing all kinds of Tantrums when things didn’t go his way. They Loved him too much to have realized that Tantrums are early warning signs of abnormal behavior. Can you imagine the Rage  that engulfed him when he uttered those words if I can’t have her, no one will. He was evaluated by a Psychiatrist before Trial and one week before final Summation. Yet he sat there with that stupid Glare, hoping to Manipulate the Jurors the way he manipulated his Parents all his Life. Allowing your children to Manipulate you and wrapping you around their finger is weak Parenting. I am not advocating punishment, I am telling you that communication is the greatest patenting tool.

By you communicating with your Children and teaching them the Art of communication you are laying the Foundation of how they deal with adversity the rest of their Lives. Instead of flying off the deep end and acting irrationally they can talk things out and accept the things they can’t control or change, as in a breakup or Divorce. As Spock would say Communication teaches them to be Logical People. In many of my earlier Blogs I have stated that Society and Psychologist were unjust in blaming the Parents for everything a bad seed grow up and commits. Lately I am having second thoughts. Cultivating World Class Citizens is nothing short of being Gifted.

I remember when I was growing up, when I acted up and out my Mother would ask me were you Raised Up or Dragged Up. There is the difference. Which brings to mind ” as a Twig is Bent so shall it grow”. As a Teenager I was totally out of control, I was Hell Bent for no apparent reason. My Mother was not a Totalitarian, but she had Boundaries that I dared not cross without consequences. When I was fourteen She knew I operated on the fringes of the Law, She indoctrinated me about Crime and Punishment and the Juvenile Justice System. When my indiscretions mounted, like when I was still fourteen, She found an ounce of Marijuana in my Pocket. Her Paraphrasing was taunting, she said to me, I bet you think that you can get away with Murder.

By the time I got to be seventeen I knew that I didn’t want to spend one Day inside. She had turned my Life around before my eighteenth Birthday when all my childish indiscretions would be viewed as Adult Felonies. Today I work in a County Justice System where all the above mentioned Filicides sits in one of our Courtrooms with that that distance Glare. Here I realize the power of a Parent to change the Course of their Children’s Destiny, by being a Parent and not a Buddy. The Seminole killer was recorded complaining to his Parents how tough it was in there, while he is awaiting Trial for four Murders. His Dad’s reply don’t worry Son we got your back, we will get you out. After years of failure as Parents, they still continue on the same Path of not telling him about consequences. And that is my final Summation of all I have just mentioned. Being a Buddy to your Children is Copping out of your Responsibility of being a Parent, which lets them to believe that they can get away with Murder.

Related Stories

Susan Smith

In October 1994, South Carolina officials launched a nine-day search for Susan Smith’s two sons, 14-month-old Alex and 3-year-old Michael. The frantic mother claimed she had been carjacked by a black man who took off with her sons. But she was lying: Smith ultimately admitted to letting her car roll into a lake with the boys strapped in their car seats. She was convicted of murdering them and sentenced to life in prison.

Diane Staudte

After both her husband, Mark, and son, Shaun, died untimely deaths in 2012, and her then-24-year-old daughter, Sarah, was hospitalized for organ failure, Diane Staudte was charged with murdering Mark and trying to kill Sarah. The mom-of-four confessed to killing them by putting antifreeze in their drinks. While being questioned by police, Diane’s second youngest daughter, Rachel, admitted to helping her mother poison her father, brother and sister. Diane and Rachel both pleaded guilty in the deaths and the assault of Sarah. In 2016, Diane was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Rachel, who agreed to testify against her mother, was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole.


Amber Pasztor

When Indiana police issued an AMBER Alert for 7-year-old Liliana Hernandez and Rene Pasztor, 6, in Sept. 2016, they feared the children were with their estranged mother, Amber Pasztor. More than a year prior, Pasztor had lost custody of the pair due to substance abuse problems. Hours after their disappearance, the children’s dead bodies were found in the backseat of a car that had been parked by Pasztor behind a police station. Pasztor later told local station WANE that she suffocated the children to send them to “a better place,” because she worried members of a drug cartel would torture and kill her children.  Pasztor pleaded guilty but mentally ill for the murders and received a total of 130 years in prison — 65 years for each child. “I think her thought was, ‘If she can’t have them, nobody can,'” Leanne Pasztor, Amber’s mother, told PEOPLE.


Diane Downs

In 1983, Diane Downs’ three children were brought to an Oregon hospital with gunshot wounds. One died, and two survived but had serious injuries. Downs told investigators she and her children had been shot during a carjacking, but then police found a secret diary detailing her obsession with a married man who did not want kids, after which she was charged with killing her 7-year-old daughter. Downs, who still maintains her innocence, was convicted and sentenced to life in prison plus 50 years.


Andrea Yates

In 2001, Texas mom Andrea Yates killed her five children, who ranged in age from 6 months to 7 years old, in a bathtub. Yates, now 52, was initially convicted of the killings and sentenced to life in prison. But the verdict was overturned and in 2006 Yates was found not guilty by reason of insanity and has since been committed to mental hospitals. Her defense had long claimed she suffered severe postpartum psychosis and was delusional during the killings and believed Satan had taken over her soul.  Yates’ then-husband, Rusty, filed for divorce a few years after the killings. But he told Oprah Winfrey last year that he forgives his ex-wife for drowning their children. “Forgiveness kind of implies that I have ever really blamed her,” Rusty said then. “In some sense I’ve never really blamed her, because I’ve always blamed her illness.”


Christy Sheats

Christy Sheats called her family into the living room for a family meeting in June 2016, hours after husband Jason Sheats told her he planned to divorce her. “She immediately pulled the weapon out and pointed it at Mr. Sheats and wanted to blame him: ‘You made me do this, you’re making me do this,’” Fort Bend County Sheriff Troy Nehls previously told PEOPLE. But she didn’t shoot Jason. Instead, Sheats chased her daughters, Madison, 17, and Taylor, 22 into the street, killing them before authorities arrived and fatally shot her. As for why she didn’t shoot Jason, Nehls says, “She wanted him to suffer.”


Megan Huntsman

Utah mom Megan Huntsman admitted in 2014 to killing six of her newborn babies soon after giving birth between 1996 and 2006. All of the babies were either strangled or suffocated after Huntsman gave birth to them at home, Huntsman admitted to police. She told police she was too addicted to methamphetamine to properly care for the children. Authorities learned about the deaths after Huntsman’s estranged husband, Darren West, contacted police after finding a baby wrapped in a plastic bag in the garage. Authorities searched the home and found additional bodies placed in plastic bags and contained in a separate cardboard box.


Carola Arnau

Before killing herself last June, Carola Arnau, 40, fatally shot her two children — daughter 10-year-old Bellailani and son Noah, 4 — in their Pennsylvania home. At the time of the shooting, the children’s father, Miguel Arnau, was working. The couple was in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle. “It appears they [the kids] were shot in their sleep, and there would not have been any struggle, as pathetic as a comfort that that is,” Lancaster County District Attorney Craig Stedman said afterward.


Jessica Edens

Jessica Edens went on a killing spree in July 2017 before turning the gun on herself. In July, the South Carolina mother fatally shot her estranged husband’s girlfriend before driving back to her home and fatally shooting her two children, 9-year-old son Hayden King, and 5-year-old daughter Harper Edens, in the back of her SUV. Then, she killed herself. Officials said they believe Edens and hubsand Ben Edens were in the midst of a messy divorce and custody battle and that she planned to do something that would have “everlasting consequences for her husband.”


Sarah Lynn Kreuger

This past July, a California jury sentenced Sarah Lynn Kreuger, 27, and her boyfriend, 29-year-old Ryan Scott Warner, to life in prison for the 2014 torture and murder of Kreuger’s daughter Kayleigh Slusher. The 3-year-old was found by police dead in her bed and partially frozen. An autopsy revealed that Kayleigh had 41 distinguishable injuries all over her body and had died two days before she was found. She had been kept in the couple’s freezer for several hours after her death.

P.S.  You can’t get away with Murder.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Cats In The Cradle

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You are Born into this World to one who carries the Title of Mother, with the definition of loving, adept in caring and the most ferocious protector. A True Mother possess the utmost ability For nuturing, the best of Dads only comes close. For eleven years she never gave you any indication that your perception of her was misconceived. Then one Day she developed a bad case of the Breeze, and like a gust of wind she is gone. I have stated before abandoning your children is an awful trait that many Men possess. When Women do It that’s a whole different Animal. Mothers have a great propensity for caring and nurturing. So when a Woman abandons two young Daughters she is not a Mother, only a Baby maker. It was nothing you did or didn’t do.

Dad was the most loving and caring Man, he was a great provider. Again it was nothing he did or didn’t do. Mom wasn’t a true Mother, a true Mother does not fly away and leave two Daughters for a Man who doesn’t care about her Children. This is a true story told to me by a Coworker. When he learned that I wrote Blogs, he asked me what do I write about, I told him Parenting and Relationships. He said Tony do I have a Blog for you. At first we decided to call the Blog The Librarian, due to the fact that after ten lonely years of caring for his Daughters, always looking for someone who cared for them also and not just him.

One day he met a Woman who was a Librarian and Married her. Someone to help him  finish the Job of raising two Daughters after their Mother abandoned the Family for a younger more attractive and sexier Man, someone to satisfy her raging Harmones. I guess that was a good enough reason to run off and leave two young Daughters for a Man to raise and teach them the things only a Mother can. His Story broke my Heart. I decided to name the Blog Stand Up Dad. Because for ten years that is exactly what he did for two Rebellious little Brats, they treated him as if it was his fault why their no good horny Mother ran off and left them to raise themselves, if not for the dedication of a loving Father.

Did I mention that People Bites. A lot of Men in their prime would have dropped them off at a Relative’s House and never looked back. Not my friend he was a stand up Guy who embraced his Responsibilities. The bad part was that he went above and beyond what a good Dad is supposed to be. He put them both through College, making their lives easier he bought them a Condo so they didn’t have to live in a Dorm. Talking about Low Life people these two Girls Graduated College, neither of them possessed not one Gram of ambition. Unilaterally they decided to move back Home and live off the Old Man, instead of putting their Education to good use and Forge their own way in Life. You can take some People to River’s Edge, making them drink is another Story.

You live as long as I have lived and you think you’ve heard it all. Sometimes I think that telling the Stories of the People I have known is my only motivation for Writing. He told me that these two Minions did their best to break up his Marriage. They didn’t want that Woman in what they considered their House. There is no doubt in my Mind that if he was in a Debilitating condition and needed their help, they would not be living there. These were not loving caring People, they were selfish, greedy and malicious. They wanted her out of the Will. John Legend puts it Best, who do we think we are. It absolutely Gauls me, When miserable little people who think nothing of ruining other People’s Lives, when theirs is in a Portable Toilet. They resented the Woman who tried to fill the void their Mother created in their lives, it’s like they had an Ax to grind for every Parent Figure. They disrespected their Father and his Wife, yet they didn’t have the mind of a Flea to know that after you have sucked the last drop of Blood it’s time to move on.

The confrontations even got to the point where he had the Cops removed them from his Home. Yet the soft Hearted slob allowed them to return to continue spreading misery and the bitterness that was  inside of them. Makes you wonder how do we come by Our Genetic composition. They were 100% their Mother’s offspring, they were Cold Hearted People, just like the one who abandoned them. There was nothing in them that resembled their Father, a loving caring Man.  I have spent a Lifetime trying to figure out what makes people Tick, what drives them to be inhumane to the ones who loved them. I don’t wish evil on good People. For these two blowing their Fertile years waiting for the Old Man’s Money. I see two Krones looking out the Mansion’s Window, realizing that they went too far. Oftentimes I wonder how do they Reconcile with their God, or do they Acknowledge Him. So in this late stage in Life I have come to the conclusion that we are all born with our own Minions. How we deal with them and whether we let them Dictate our Lives Define who we are, Divine Creatures or Children of the Corn.

P.S. in the end he lost his Job because the situation at Home consumed his every Thought, he was unable to function at work.

P.P.S. If Thy right Hand offends Thee cut it off.

Life, Parenting And Relationships


For thirty seven years every time a sex scandal breaks, all I ever heard from my Wife is Men are dogs. Even though I know she wasn’t referring to me. One thing she always said to me is that I was going to Hell for holding a grudge. Many a Days when she made me mad, I would crawl in bed, turn my Back to her and snored like a Bear, even if she was in her Birthday Suit and smelling like a Flower. That is what a real Man do, he does not put his Pride in his back Pocket, he does not abandon his conviction,  compromise his Ideals, sell his Soul, throw away everything, lose his Mind or his Career for a little Piece. And there you have it, the motivation for this Blog.

My first experience to Men who would throw it all away for a moment pleasure came when I was fourteen. Someone of great trust a pillar of the Community, a Teacher, tried to Rape me across the Street from a Police Precinct. If I had screamed the Cops would heard me loud and clear hollering Rape. The poor Dumb Rapist did not do his Homework, otherwise he would have known that I had a reputation of kicking Asses of people much older than I was. All for a piece of Ass he carried my souvenir for the rest of his Life, a Glass Eye. I Nailed him so hard in his Eye it almost fell out of the Socket and hit the Floor. I am pretty sure the Cops heard him screaming like a little Girl. That’s what you get when you stretch your Loins instead of your Mind.

Not long after that I kept hearing Rumors of Altar Boys being Molested and Raped by Priests I was still fourteen. I thought to myself maybe I needed to get a Gun to protect myself from the People who were supposed to Protect me. Three months away from fifteen I became friends with a twelve years old Catholic School Attendee, that Boy had access to more Marijuana than many Dealers, his Brother was one. Many days after School when we should be Home doing our Homework, we sat in the Schoolyard smoking some of the most Potent Strains , exchanging Stories of Molestation that went all the way up to the Bishop. No wonder that at twelve and fourteen our Heads were all screwed up smoking Marijuana trying to make sense of the Madness.

We were both deep into Music Jethro Thul’s Aqualong was one of our favorite, our favorite verse, eyeing little Girls in baggy Pants. Need I say more, we were being corrupted by Our Society. A few years later two Brothers the Timmins Brothers both sixteen years old were Arrested for a string of Rapes, probably twelve. All perpetrated on Seniors, Women old enough to be their Great Grandmothers. The World that we were coming into was unraveling in front of our Eyes. Sex was now more important than Morality and everything else. Sodom and Gomorrah had resurged. And still have not gone away. Over the years stories of Infants, Adolescents, Teenagers and grown Women being Molested an Raped has made it to Epidemic status.

Which takes me back thirty seven years when I first heard my Wife saying that men are Dogs. At this point in my Life I beg to disagree, they are Primates- Cro-magnon, still wearing Loincloth hunched over. When your primitive Sex drive outweighs all, including your freedom, your Career and your Dignity calling you a Dog is an insult to Man’s Best Friend. Which makes me ask the question is Testosterone the Driving force of Life? It has been speculated that Cain killed his Brother over a Woman, Countries gone to War, Kings Abdicating their Thrones, Rich Men giving up Fortunes, over a Woman. My English Literature Teacher’s words resonates in my Head ” what is the Author not saying” it’s not a Woman it’s the Itch.

Failure to control the Itch has made Monkeys out of many Great Men. Judges, Doctors, Presidents, Bishops, Clergymen, CEOs, Teachers, Actors, Comedians, Television Personalities, Fathers and young Boys. Many are sitting in Prisons because they acted like Dogs in Heat. They lost their freedom and everything all because they never heard of a cold Shower, now they are showering with big Burly Men who take what they want, even if you are only eighteen and a Virgin. Two years ago in Tampa, a young man of seventeen was Arrested and Convicted of two Rapes. He raped his first victim when he was sixteen, the victim was sixty. Barely seventeen he attacked his second victim, she was seventeen and College Bound with great aspirations.

He gave her such a severe beating she is now in a Vegetative state unable to speak or eat. May God help us all for what we’ve become, Chimpanzees in Heat. My Wife is an Avid Reader, she finds Stories that doesn’t make Mainstream Media. The other day she informed me that one of my favorite Personalities was Raped by her Dad a Minister. She was in her early Teens when her own Father Impregnated her. Again we are back in the Caves, your Granddaughter is your Daughter, Deliverance all over again. Since we are nothing but Barbarians at least one Custom should still be in our Penal Code, Castration.

Although I have written in many Blogs that you can’t always blame Society and the Parents for all your mal-adjustments. At this late stage in Life I am developing inward conflicts of those Beliefs. The Media sells Sex as if it was more important than Food, Kids barely sixteen becoming Parents, not mature enough to guide themselves, what can you expect from their Offsprings. For instance when I was thirteen a fifteen years old Nymphomaniac lined up four other Boys and myself and introduced us to Sex. I am beginning to convince myself that it is a Parenting issue. Although The Media doesn’t help being Manipulative and Suggestive. When I was younger I used to think that the Moral Majority was Intrusive and Overbearing, all that has changed with the aforementioned. Without Morality we are back in the Caves Naked and without a Candle.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Self Analysis




The Bible says “to thine own self be true”

Yet the average Person lives in a Bubble of Deception and Denial. Sometimes it even makes us ill causing Psychosis and Delusions. Sometimes we ends up on someone’s Couch shelling out over one hundred dollars an hour for someone to tell us to look deep inside our self and we will find the Root of our problem.

I would bet my Life that there is a great disproportionate number of people who have never thought about self Analysis. They go through one bad experience after another and they blame it on Bad Luck. One bad Relationship after another still blaming Luck, I don’t remember where I’ve heard it ” you make your own Luck”.The reason for that is that complacency rules the average person’s life, changes are not easy, it is way more easy to accept mediocrity and status quo than to take a long hard look at my Life.




At eighteen I read a Book I am not certain that it was Think And Grow Rich, or The Greatest Salesman the Book not only spoke of Financial Gains, but also enriching your day to day Life. In one Chapter it encourages Self Analysis, that chapter changed my entire Life. I took a sheet of paper, drew lines with Headings, I listed my weaknesses and strong points and the changes I would like to happen. At that point in my Life I was on the Axis of becoming Notorious or following my Mother’s Christian Teachings. She told me that Money wasn’t everything, also it was important to have a restful night’s sleep, not ducking under my Bed every time I heard a Car backfired or someone knocking at the Door.




That Book thought me how to have a successful rewarding life without lots of Money and a Flourishing Relationship with everyone, all from taking Analysis of myself. During the same period I remember reading about this Actor who was Married numerous times, six or seven times, all ended with Divorces, each time he blamed the Women. People like that are pathetic, even when you catch them with the smoking Gun, they will blame someone else. When they look in the Mirror they don’t see Mr Hyde, they see Mr Wonderful. I grew up with someone like that,  he should have been the inspiration for this Blog. If he is caught red-handed he would rather shed Crocodile Tears than to fess-up, making you feel guilty for accusing him of something you know for a fact that he did it.




People like that are good Actors on a Stage of Deception, Bad Actors on the Stage of Life. My Mother would say that someone like that has the Devil in them. I have been Married for thirty seven years and if I hadn’t done a self Analysis at eighteen I would have been Divorced thirty seven times. During my self Analysis I found out that I was self centered, manipulative and self-gratifying. What horrible Traits to bring to the Table of Marriage. By the time I got Married at thirty I had Abolished the old Me, I was the Ideal Candidate for Marriage. I was receptive of others feelings, there was no I in Team and I never forced anyone to do what they didn’t want to do.




Now here I am thirty seven years later daring you to self Analize yourself before you are on someone’s Couch bearing your Soul for one Hundred and seven Dollars per Hour and blaming everyone else from Mom to Society. Over the years I have learned that not only Drugs and Alcohol are Addictive, Sex also can Rule your Life. I met Jerry when I was sixteen he was eighteen, he was physically gifted and more Handsome than his Dad who thought he was too good for one Woman,  he abandoned the Family to Pollinate every flower in the Garden. His young Son absorbed his Values, Jerry was the envy of our tightly knit group of Teenagers, his conquests were unbelievable to the point of gratifying Mother and Daughter at eighteen.




Self Analysis was not in his Curriculums, he had not noticed that he was his Father’s Son. When he got Married to another childhood friend of mine I put Welts on my Back for not telling her what she had gotten herself into. I hoped desperately  that the Zebra’s stripes had fade, that was very naive of me. He treated her the same way his Father treated his Mother, a Woman in every State. Oftentimes I asked myself why would he want to live his Father’s Life instead of his own. The relationship was so bad, always arguing and fighting in front of his six years old Son, one Day I witness the Child slapping his Mother’s Face with all his might, I wondered where did he get that from.




Its been forty five years that I have seen that family, in my Mind’s Eye I see the Child carrying on his Grandfather’s Legacy, if he never conducted his own self Analysis. I must tell you Guys that if I hadn’t lived such a Colourful Life and had not pay attention to the People I grew up with I would have nothing to write about, my Imagination is not that Vivid. Anyway we are talking about self Analysis by taking stock of myself I was able to grow Rich in Life, Love and Happiness. I wish that I could say the same for Leona,  during the summer break of seventy one I worked for her Father in his inherited Business that’s where I met her, she was a pampered Child. When she got her license she was sixteen going on seventeen, her Parents gave her a Brand New Cadillac. She was raised to worship Money. When it came time to Marry she passed up Love for the Love of Money. She married a Millionaire with bad Temperaments, someone who needed Professional Analysis. Whenever he returned from Vegas a looser she was the recipient of his wrath. Broken Bones weren’t uncommon, while her Kids behind walls with Ears witnessed their Parent’s shame, molding and shaping their own future Life. Parting Words ” just do it”.

Parenting And Relationships

Ownership Of the Problem


When I started my first Website which I lost due to improper Domain Registration, that Site was strictly Dedicated to Parenting. Doing Research on the Subject I came across a Book Titled Parenting with Love and Logic. I was so impressed that I contacted the Publisher and asked for Permission to Print Excerpts from the Book on my Website. Permission was granted with the Stipulation that the Excerpts didn’t exceed my own Blog Posts. I felt Privileged and Honored to receive their permission. The following Excerpts caught my attention, so here is the first of many to come.



Love and Logic Principle:

Let Teens Own Their Problems and Their Solutions

Love and Logic consultant parents help teens through life by offering choices and sharing control in the process, all the while building on their teens healthy self- concept. They let teens own their problems as well as solutions. Building a strong self- concept is the first of three things we can do with teens so when they reach the age of temptation, we’ve got a chance that they are not going to abuse drugs and alcohol or engage in other risky behaviors. The second thing we can do is to help teens learn how to make decisions. We do this in part by letting them own the responsibility, including the good feelings as well as the disappointments of those decisions, planting in their consiousness this idea: ” The quality of my Life depends on the decisions I make.” Third, we can make it clear who owns the responsibility for a particular problem.




If Parents don’t draw clear lines of demarcation when they are called for, they and their teenagers are in for a lot of grief. Let the teens own their own problems, their own feelings, their own disappointments, their own rewards. One of the worst things we do is give teens the message that they shouldn’t do something because the logical consequence of their action is to make adults mad. First that encourages them to shape their actions according to the voices outside their heads. And second it can reinforce an immature rebellion in some teens who will go out of their way to make adults mad.




Either way they don’t own the situation. For example, let’s say your daughter is Driving the family Car and she’s tempted to show off for her friends. Should she be thinking, Boy if crash this car, my dad’s really going to be mad is that how a mature teen would react? If she is a sensible young woman on her way to healthy independence, that’s not what she’ll be thinking. Instead she will say to herself, gee if I crash this car, I am going to splatter us all over the highway. Guess I better be careful. It’s the teens responsibility to own the problem and find a solution. But that’s not as easy as it sounds, because we are tempted to rush in like Helicopters to protect our son or daughter from the real world.




Or we march in like a drill Sergeant, bark a few orders, and expect the teenage troops to fall into line unquestioningly. Those temptations must be resisted. As a person in the helping profession of Education,  I always felt tempted to solve my students problems. So I had to train myself to do something different by using a keyword: Bummer. Whenever I used that word, it reminded me to be careful. Don’t solve the problem for him. Don’t give him a solution. Don’t give him advice,and don’t be defensive. Let him do the thinking. And when the student hears bummer it sounds emphatic. Gee too bad Bummer. I bet that feels lousy. If we show that we understand how they feel, we hand their feelings back to them-  for their control, not ours.




Ownership of problems also flounders when we confuse praise with encouragement. Twenty years ago Public Schools began using something called positive reinforcement. That philosophy says That if we spend a lot of time telling teens how well they are doing, they will do better. This approach works well with teens who sees themselves as a 10 because they don’t have to search for proof to backup their self-image. But how many teens in our classrooms or homes really consider themselves 10s? We encourage teens best by talking to them as adults.




We do not build self- concept by telling them they’re good. Teens with a poor self-image will simply discount it, and they will probably end up worse off than if we said nothing. One day teens are down; the next day they’re up. It goes with the territory. We can help by criticizing them as little as possible and by refraining from telling them what should be discovering for themselves. We want them to think for themselves, so we should be asking them questions instead of ordering them around. When they say they are going to do something stupid, we can respond, “Well, that’s an opinion. You can do that. Have you ever thought of this”this and this? We wish you well, and we will still love you no matter what happens. By talking to teens as if they were Adults, we convey the strong message that we expect them to act like adults and take charge of things in their lives. But we certainly don’t do this by Lectures or Threats.

Excepts from Parenting Teens with Love and Logic