Life

To Your own Self Be Real

 

 



Pretending can consume an entire life, it started when we are children, we play house she was the mama you were the papa, you were the bad guy I was the good guy. fine and dandy what else are kids going to do but emulate others, the sad part is it never ends. Everybody wants to look like someone else, be someone else and Act like who they aren’t. Originality, Individuality and genuineness is a rarity. Now you reach adolescent and the pretense grows into juvenile delinquent because you are pretending that you are cool and you know everything. Still it doesn’t end, a cool teenager who knows everything is dangerous to themselves and others. You haven’t walk a mile in the real World, yet you Strut like a Peacock. Puberty is coming to an end and pretending to be a man is the ultimate pretense. You can make Babies, but a real man stands up to his responsibilities and stands by his woman, sometimes to the end.

 



Now you are a player you pretend to be someone  trustworthy and caring, while you pretend with the concubine that you are serious about them, while your eyes are glued on their girlfriends. So far nothing about you is real, you deceive your parents by undermining their wisdom,  those who live lifestyles you should avoid, you emulate pretending to be them.( cats in the cradle, I’m going to be just like you Dad) a deserter and an abuser. Where does the pretending ends, it doesn’t, you pretend to do better than your means hocked to your eyeballs keeping up with the Kardashian pretending to live a picture perfect lifestyle even though you know it’s only Hollywood life, make believe. Your reality is far from the Truth, My God will the real you please stand up.




The rest of your life you continue the Sham that you are better than your fellow man while you pretend to believe in God and is quick to kill to make a point. You profess your Love only to end in deceit, you take a Job to serve the Public, only to have them serve your pretentious and deceptive ideals. You pretends  to serve God but the Devil is your master ( many will profess my name) I once knew a Preacher and a Deacon who bragged of their conquest among the Congregation. Years ago a church going God fearing man killed his wife and his Minister, I wonder how long he endured the deception before he lost his way. Even since childhood when I was not worthy of being a Christian Woman’s child I never pretended to be an Angel, I left that to the Hypocrites.

 



When I grew to be a Man I chose to be Real, I did  unto others and expected likewise, I commanded respect for who and what I portrayed myself to be. I chose one Woman and over thirty seven years I stayed the course, never once unfaithful. When you tell lies, each time you try to cover your tracks you dig a deeper Hole. After a while the broken hearts, broken minds, spirits and souls you put in that hole forms a mound to the high Heaven’s. To survive in a world of deception you need to read more than just print, body language is highly underrated. In High School one of my English Literature Teacher constantly challenged me to tell her what is the Author not saying, she taught me how to live in a deceptive World. Knowing how to read what someone isn’t saying can guide you through the Quicksand of Deception.

 



Later on in life I once told my supervisor that I could spot a slacker one mile in the Fog, she didn’t believe me. She got promoted to regional manager and was fired in six months. If you can read body language it becomes your Lighthouse in a storm of deception. Something I read one the subject goes, it is important to understand the role that deception plays in our emotional lives,  because it impedes self understanding and the formation of justified beliefs about ourselves, others and the world as a whole. Deception inhibits our attempt to become more reflective in our understanding, clarifying and evaluating our emotions. Self deception and willful ignorance pose a serious impediment to reflective cognitive affective and conative growth. It also inhibits our attempt to make more reflective evaluations of our institutions, social practices and ideologies that shape and are shaped by our self interpretations. Meaning that deception screws you up and all around you. In the end I say live the life and be proud of what you are.


Life, Parenting And Relationships

Loves Company

 

 

Loves company

When it comes to trouble and problems I am a very selfish and private person. I have been Married for thirty seven years, I know that the Vows said for better or worse, but I have always kept my problems to myself until they were dragged out of me by my demeanor, sometimes I am a moper, not to drag others in but probably self-pity. Remember that a listening ear is a telling mouth. When I got Audited by IRS my wife only found out after I got home from the Audit. Whereas with the average person it’s the total opposite, as the saying goes misery loves company. Not being a chauvinist, even though I have earned the right to be one being married for thirty seven years. I gave respect and was rewarded with Love.

 

 

If I had dropped a five Dollar bill in a Jar for all the wrath of mood swings for thirty seven years I would be a rich Man. That is all that I am going to say about mood swings, I would like to stay married, and on that grounds I am not going to say anything about other marital issues. I will forever be quoting my English Literature Teacher ” what is the Author not saying” nowhere more prevalent than Relationships to find out that misery loves company, yet for the greater good, you need to be tolerant and absorb verbal assaults even if they kill you, especially if love is the common denominator. As the saying goes we only hurt the ones we love. I will never understand that phrase, because if you love me why would you even consider hurting me.

 

 

While living next door to Henry, one Night I heard the commotion of a violent argument between he and his wife of thirty years. Seems that the argument was centered around one of her Nephews moving in, Henry was adamant she was domineering, it was a Dogfight with tragic outcomes. Silence took over, to be broken by the loud siren of the Ambulance. From all the stress from the Dogfighting, Henry had suffered a Heart attack and died before the Ambulance got there. How Tragic I often wondered how she could live with herself knowing that she couldn’t have done a better job with a knife or a Gun. I kept a secret that if she knew what I knew, it would kill her paraphrasingly. I wasn’t married yet, he took me under his wings and into his confidence, from the counseling he gave me another Man never would have gotten married.

He said you never know when they are going to put you out of the House that you built with your own two Hands. And so in tern he told me that he had 50,000 Dollars stached that she knew nothing about, he called it his Runaway Money. That money was buried with him, I never told anyone about it. We all have done deeds that we weren’t proud of, that was my gift to Henry. From all the failed Relationships that I had seen prior to me getting married, thirty seven years later I still am amazed that I jumped the Broom( getting married) In the middle of writing this Blog, at work I held the Door for a Beautiful young woman and a Man the Man said thanks, I guess she ditto it she never said a word, instead she looked at me as if I were stupid.

 

 

I said to myself what an ugly krone, beauty is only skin deep, can you imagine living with that for thirty seven years, I probably would be hanging with Henry. It absolutely behooves me how people can wear their misery on their sleeves. Me I could have just gotten the News from my Doctor that I had one week left and I would still be cordial to all up to my final Hour. Taking ownership of the problem and looking for the solution have always been one of my strong points. Most people wallow in selfpity never owning the problem and searching for it’s solutions. John worked in the same Job for twenty years all the while hating the job his nitwit Boss and himself for sticking it, I guess the Money was worth the Agony.

 

 

Each and every Day he got off work he stopped at the same Bar, I call it his first Home because he never went Home and then come back out to the Bar. I know His wife to be a pleasant Woman, but from his Son-in-law she was a Nag. If so be the case my sympathy goes to John, because I have never heard any stories of him being verbally or physically abusive to his Wife or his Children, nonetheless that is mental abuse for the Wife. He is a Man of my own Heart, keep it to yourself no one put you in your predicament, so no one should feel the wrath. There are so many Maladies in Society from People not owning their problems, instead they blame the World, they Nurse their misplaced guilt while it eats at them, until they blow their Lids and Act Out tragically. For instance mass Shootings and Road Rage violence.

 

 

These are people whose Bugs are so far concealed in their Intestines that Psychiatric help would be of no value, some have been grinding Axes since childhood. You can blame a broken Home, an indifferent Parent who showed little to no Love, being abused or any of a hundred reasons, in each Life the Rain must fall. You are not unique, you are not the only one, If I maintained the why me attitude when I got molested by a Teacher at fourteen I should have hated every Gay Person and took part in all the Gay Bashing that transpired after School. If you don’t move on with your life, you are never Happy until everyone around you are miserable, I call that the Jr Ewing syndrome.

 

 

That reminds me of one of my Aunts who did everything in her power to shatter the family by telling lies and spreading gossip about every member of the family, having everyone hating the other for no reason. Karma has it that she is now in a Nursing Home not knowing the names of all the people she poked with a Stick.  My Hero Mattie  Stepanek puts it best, my recollection is poor but the sentiment is paralleled. The sharp point of the Arrow delivers a piercing Blow, the Blade of a sharp Sword delivers a mighty Blow but Words delivers the most Devastating Blows. My Hero Mattie died at age thirteen this was one of his final messages ” Live your best Life, be your best self, give what you wish to receive.” They say that Misery loves company, whenever you are feeling sad and miserable with your Life, go and read my Blog Titled My Hero. Its about a Boy who Died at thirteen years old an Author, a Poet and an Ambassador of Goodwill, who didn’t believe in sharing the misery of his Tragic Life with the World, only the Good in Life.

 

Love is Grand
Life, Parenting And Relationships

On The Axis

 

 

Coordinates of Life

It doesn’t matter whether you turned 18 in the 1800s or 1972 or 2000 we all went through the same doubts, insecurity and confusion. We are not Kids anymore yet we are not Adults in the true sense, young Adults maybe, some of us never crossed the Threshold. Crossing over into Adulthood is a big step, it means taking responsibility for everything from here on in. If you choose to use Drugs or Alcohol be aware that for each action there is a reaction, whether Behavioural Psychological or Health and they all have Consequences.

 

I started smoking Cigarettes at fourteen fifty years later COPD, Emphysema, Marijuana at fourteen, Inertia all through High School, it distracted me from Shakespeare and put me in Edgar Allan Poe’s World, Beer at fourteen Alcoholic at nineteen. Worst of all I was a sneak, living under a Christian Woman’s Roof. Luckily I was able to overcome all but the Cigarettes by twenty one, yeah but at what Price wanting to prove to myself that I was a Man I blew the learning years. By the time that I realized the Importance of a College Education the Window of opportunity was closed. Luckily I broke away from my influences before twenty one, I could have been a Bum for the rest of my Life. In Life your associations picks you up or drag you down, choose them wisely. Don’t be a Sheep in the Herd, be the Shepard.

 

Peer Pressure is worse than any Addiction it makes you do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t  have even thought of on your own, don’t fall for the Trap, if you love me or if you want to be with me. In High School we had a saying ” instead of pulling themselves out of the Hole they are in a Junkie will pull you in”, part of making the Transition into Adulthood is being your own Person ( Individuality) then there is Responsibility. To me Responsibility is the hardest part about Being an Adult, being an Adult means that now you have to fend for yourself( provide, care and protect yourself) that is why you should not be in a hurry to agitate your Parents with bad behavior, while they are putting a Roof over your head and food in your Stomach, they have your best interest at Heart.

 

Ask anyone in College who are working their way through School. Fending for yourself without a Proper Education is scrounging Bottom. Don’t be in such a hurry to be Kicked out on your own. Most Parents will support their kids late into their twenties and some Beyond. I once lived next door to a fifty years old Man who lived off his seventy five years old Mother. He lost his Driving Privileges through DUI. Not being able to Drive himself to Work made him a Dependent, he wasn’t even ambitious enough to take any job within walking distance. Being a Dependent all your Life is choosing not to cross the Threshold. Remember the word Responsibility.

 

The awkward years are difficult for anyone, remember childhood isn’t far behind and the challenges of Adulthood is right in front of you, take time relishing your youth, while making Bold smart steps into Adulthood. As soon as you look around the years are gone and you are now your Parents Reflection, a Parent yourself with the Headaches of raising a Child who knows everything, I was that Child. At fourteen I knew everything including how to get stoned on weed, who did it hurt but me, who suffered from Inertia, me, what did I gained, nothing, what did I loose everything, the chance of being a Scholar and an Author.

 

Instead I did what I had to do to make a Living to support the Family I could not wait to have, Finding out fifty years later that I like sharing my Thoughts and a Vivid Imagination is an essential for Writing. To be eighteen again I wouldn’t have  blown precious youth in hurrying to grow old. I would have taken  time to smell the Roses before I became addicted to Coffee and Nicotine. At the end of writing this Blog I just Learned that Teens Smoking went up 80% . If Jumping off the San Francisco Bridge was Trending, would you be there. Vaping is Trending please don’t Jump, its just as bad as Nicotine or worse, it gives you Popcorn Lunges. Chart your Course follow your chosen Path because the Axis of Life fades like Footprints in the Sand. Making the right choices dictates the rest of your Life, Eighteen is your fork in the Road choose wisely.

 

 

Insights from Alice Cooper

 

Lines form on my face and hands

Lines form from the ups and downs

I’m in the middle without any plans

I’m a boy and I’m a man

I’m eighteen

And I don’t know what I want

Eighteen

I just don’t know what I want

Eighteen

I gotta get away

I gotta get out of this place

I’ll go runnin’ in outer space

Oh yeah

I got a

Baby’s brain and an old man’s heart

Took eighteen years to get this far

Don’t always know what I’m talkin’ about

Feels like I’m livin’ in the middle of doubt

‘Cause I’m

Eighteen

I get confused every day

Eighteen

I just don’t know what to say

Eighteen

I gotta get away

Lines form on my face and my hands

Lines form on the left and right

I’m in the middle

The middle of life

I’m a boy and I’m a man

I’m eighteen and I like it

Yes I like it

Oh I like it

Love it

Like it

Love it

Eighteen!

Eighteen!

Eighteen!

Eighteen and I like it


Songwriters: Alice Cooper / Dennis Dunaway

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Belly Of The Beast

 

 

 

When I started Blogging I Developed a Website called Saving Kids Souls.com I lost the Domain because of my failure to register the Domain Name properly. My intention for the Site was to reach out to Problematic Teens and their Beleaguered Parents, in hope to change the life of just one young person heading down the Road that I traveled during my Turbulent Teen. I started on a self destructive Path before I was fourteen I was a Thrill seeker, at thirteen I tinkered with Explosives by Dismantling Shotgun Shells and re-packaged them for a bigger Bang, Stole Expensive Racehorses and ran them on Blacktop till they were Tenderfooted, they were finished as Racehorses, Victor and I would sneak than back under the cover of darkness.

 

 

One day Victor went on a mission without me, he got caught the owner beat him with a Bullwhip shredding his Shirt and his Skin. I saw him running down the street passing my House I called to him, he was a Hair away from being stark staring mad, that cured my Horse Rustling days. Victor came from a good Family, my Mother was a good Christian Woman who tried to instill good values, yet we defied our Parents and chose to be Bad. There were absolutely no reason for us to be clueless Rebels. Just turned fourteen and there are two Teenage Gunmen  looking for me for savagely beating their Kid Brother who was two years older than I was. The Gunmen died in a hail of Bullets crashing a Gang Party that I had planned to attend. I viewed their open Caskets with their faces dimpled with Bullets, that cured me from wanting to be a Badass. if we had continued on that path we would have been Dead before twenty one.

 

I moved away from Victor before my fifteenth Birthday, that was the best thing for both of us, we were each other’s alter ego. That move brought me to a House where all the Children of a Model Family were involved in Drugs. The Twelve years Baby got me smoking weed with him, I was cursed with bad association, can you imagine a twelve and fourteen years old smoking the Best Strains from around the World. You think that’s bad, one year ago in my Neighborhood of Tampa Florida three kids fourteen, fifteen and sixteen lost their lives in a fiery crash at speed over 100MPH after stealing Cars from Lots and playing Tag.

 

These three kids just brought the numbers up close to fifteen, dead and Buried, Girls included, all in Pinellas County. This Blog is for the Kids of Pinellas County it will be Posted on Facebook. I was once a big Thrill seeker who should have been Dead before fifteen but I had a guardian Angel called Mom, she never gave up on me and that made all the difference in the world to shape the rest of my Life. Her patience with my bad behavior gave me time to wakeup from the Nightmare Life I was living and to realize that Prison Life was for Fools, someone who doesn’t have one live Brain cell in his Head. It isn’t a place where a Vagrant should lay their Head, I would rather sleep under a Bridge in the Dead of Winter instead of a warm Cell with some Man Sodomizing me. If you survive Prison you won’t survive the Diseases passed around in there, if you survive the Diseases found in there, Early Death is inevitable at the hands of your associations.

 

Having a Rational and figurative mind helps in making the choice of how your Life begins or ends, but as the saying goes “its all mind over matter and if you have no mind it doesn’t matter”. Again with the sayings “its your Life you can make Chicken Salad or Chicken Shit out of it”. My Mother was Sweet and Sour, she gave me a Timeline to turn over a new Leaf or chose a Cot in a Juvenile Detention Center, that’s tough Love to protect Society from me and myself from me. Juvenile Delinquency is of Epidemic proportions in this Country and many places like Venezuela. In America there is hardly a need for Kids to turn to Crime to survive, if their Parents can’t provide for them Welfare steps in.

 

 

 

As Venezuela’s two presidents face off, children scavenge for food and soldiers run out of patience

 

Places like Venezuela they have bad Economy, no Jobs and no Welfare, the Parents can’t find work the Kids are hungry, so as early as eleven they are inducted into Gang Life, a Refuge from the brutality of Poverty, now they become the Bread Winner. My Mother was a good Provider I had zero reason to become attracted to the Underground lifestyle that I chose, 100% Dead end. They say that Crime doesn’t Pay, Bull, The Lawyers make out like Bandits Judges make three figures Salary to send you away for long portions of your life, The Misdemeanor Fines are enough to Finance a Prison on every Block. I work in a Justice System, with one Misdemeanor I wouldn’t have the Job.

 

 

The massive Courthouse Complex a five Hundred Million Dollar Building stands in front of a Billion Dollars Prison Complex. If you can’t afford to buy your way out like OJ did, this is your new Home for a long time. The Walls are Thick with small Windows yet I hear the Screams of Frustration and Abuse. My God I am a Genius for keeping my Nose clean growing up in the Bronx running with the wrong Crowd. This is my Bronx Tale. I would say that 75% of the People I knew at Thaft H.S. on 172nd St, walking Distance to the Streets where the Bronx Tale occurred, are in Prison, on Drugs or Dead. God snatched me from the Belly of the Beast, He gave me the strength to stand Tall. All my life I wondered why he saved me from the Beast and kept me alive.

 

Today I know why, it’s to tell all you young Brothers and Sisters under Lockdown, that you also can rise above your Bronx Neighborhoods to be where I am now. He kept me alive long enough to collect some of the half a Million in my Social Security Fund, good Health and Strength to still be Working while collecting, Drive Bad Rides and live in an Affluent Community. I never got Rich because I was smart enough to turn down every offers from Drug Lords, one offered me five Thousand a week at twenty one, one offered to front me ten Thousand Dollars of uncut Cocaine monthly, no upfront money. If I stepped on it five times that worked out to fifty Thousand Monthly. The last time I saw my Best friend from High School he was running from the F.B.I. From the Bronx to Compton to Caracas Venezuela, I am telling you Kids its not worth it. Prison is like living in the Belly of the Beast. And so in conclusion let me say to you little Tough Guys out there, you are not Tough until you are Tough enough to see the Light, Tough enough to make changes in your Life, it’s easy to stay stupid all your Life. Frank and Jessie James were Tough Guys. Mark was a Tough Guy, his wife a Sharpshooter shot and killed him at fifty yards claiming it was an Accident, while having an affair with his Brother. Hector was well Built, he crossed three High School Football Players, they beat him to Death with their Fists, when these three Tough Guys were caught they whimpered like little Girls knowing that they were going to Prison for a long time. Aaron Hernandez was a Tough Guy he Shot many People killed one, he was tough to the end when he committed Suicide. Are you Tough enough.

 

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Sins Of The Fathers

 

Sins of The Fathers

Mona was someone not of this world, someone who possessed Angelic qualities, her propensity for caring led her to the Medical field, Empathy flowed from her Heart to her grateful Patients. Her willingness to embrace  fellowship touched me and I will never stop loving her for that, the Skin she lived in paled mine, though the Color of our Soul was one and the same, she treated me like her Brother and that is what that was totally unique about her from the rest of her Family. Mona was a Rare Flower born into a Savage Garden of Haters for a Family, some had colourful and Dubious backgrounds. I met her from working with her two no good Brothers they were young Men who had inherited a Famly’s Legacy of Hate.

Their Uncle was one of my Supervisors, a Hater who was too polite to let his true feelings show. One thing about Haters that I became skilled at was Body Language and overall communication with People of different colors. I will forever be talking about my English Literature Teacher, she told me to always seek to find out what the Author isn’t saying. I took that advice to the next Level into conversations, call me presumptuous but I know what you mean without you saying it outrightly, I guess that’s a form of Prejudice but I had good Teachers. To say she had a Thorny Family History is an understatement of great Proportion.

Story told one of her uncle  living in an abusive relationship with his Wife’s Family, one day went off the Deep End, chased his Brother-in-law down Main Street and shot him Dead like one of the Deers he Hunted. Hate is a Pandora’s Box once opened you never know how or what it’s going to manifest into. Sure he had extenuating circumstances but the undercurrent made it easy to carry out the Deed. I am a firm Believer that for every mass Shootings that have occurred over the last thirty years Hate is the underlying current, Mental Illnesses is only part of the Equation. Several Months ago in my Home State of Florida a Kid went to School, shot and Killed seventeen of his Classmates, gingerly exited the Building, went to McDonald’s and bought A Meal.

Whatever the Catalyst that brought the Hate to a Crescendo is of no significance, this young Man was filled with Hate. Mona’s Family Indoctrinated their Children in a Legacy of Hate, she was an Oasis in the Desert she Inherited. Nonetheless she stood Tall and Proud to be a Child of God she carried herself like Mother Teresa and showered all with equal kindness. Her Brothers were Carbon Copies of their parents, they Loved Tupac, not for telling War Stories but for Spattering the N word all over his Lyrics, each time he spat the Word they Salivated, they had a Huge Collection which told me how Rap Music got so big, Haters love to hear the word spoken by the owner.

Ironic that they would invite me to their Home to eat their food and drink their Liquor, as if to Brag to their parents that they found a good one, as in Guess who is coming to Dinner, She was my Favorite Movie Star until one Day on fifty fifth Street she was struggling with a heavy Box up the Stairs to her Townhouse, I called her by Name and asked her if I could help her. She Stereotyped me shuddered with Fear and Repelled my offer to help her. Now here I am reliving the Movie in Mona’s Home the Day before Thanksgiving, having a Beer in the Living Room. It was there that I met her Boyfriend, he was someone that I had met years earlier when he was a Kid in his Father’s Automotive Parts Store.

The Person he had grown into shuddered my Human instincts with Fear, upon the introduction I extended my hand, the Hair on the back of my Neck stood straight like a Cat ready to do Battle. Animals have sences we rarely posses, they perceive Threats and Danger when we don’t. The Automotive Business was good to his Family they Became Well off. Like any other spoiled rotten Rich Kid he plundered his huge Allowances,  Crack Cocaine was his Penchant, that was what my instincts picked up on when my naked eyes didn’t. Those same instincts told me he was a Hater, the look he gave me when our Eyes Bounced was that of what are you doing here, you don’t belong. I had seen that Look many times living in the Neighbourhood where the Family’s Business was located.

I was impervious to that Look because of my early Training, Mother always told us that they might Hate you, but they will Respect you for the Job you do and the way you carry yourself. She said whatever job you do be the very best at it, they will Hate you for being the best while loving you for it. Isn’t it ironic I paid huge Rent to be away from Hood Life yet Crack was all around me in an Affluent Neighborhood, all because their Parents Funded their Habits with huge Allowances. Mona’s Boyfriend was the Latest Victim of the Coca Plant that goes back as far as Hernan Cortes1500 AD Conquests. By wanting to Marry into Money she became a victim also. Her Parents were too busy Hating to warn her of the Dangers of selling your Soul for Money. Peer Pressure is a Dangerous Social Disease, from wanting to be with him she did what he did to stay together, what a Tragedy for someone of Her Character to Befall.

 

When my Kids were in High School we argued a lot about Peer Pressure, she didn’t believe it was as Formidable as I did, but I knew different from watching my Best Friend in High School Plying his Girlfriend to Smoke Weed with us. She was strong, all through H.S. she never took a Drag, she waited till she was Married to him and smoked Crack with Him while she was Pregnant producing three Crack Babies, another Tragedy in my Life that I witnessed including Mona’s. It was getting late Thursday the Eve of Thanksgiving, I said goodbye to Mona and her Family. The weekend passed, watching the News Monday Morning I learned that Mark had beaten Mona badly  that Thursday Night over the last Hit of Crack, tied her up Duct Taped her Mouth and left Her in a Closet for three Days Pregnant with His Child, she went Home to Jesus Talking Her Heart of Gold. Absolutely Mind boggling, she survived Her Family’s Legacy of Hate and bad Karma to be Succumbed by Crack Cocaine. Parting Words ” Only the Good Die Young”.

 

P.S

Sins of the Father or Sins of the Fathers derives from Biblical references (primarily in the books Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers) to the sins (or iniquities) of one generation passing to another. The idea has been conveyed paraphrastically into popular culture.

P.S.P.S.

Niel Young ” You who are on the Road must have a code that you can live by and so let the past be a goodbye”