Life, Parenting And Relationships

Taking Responsibility

Taking Responsibility

Don’t surround yourself with yourself.

Those phrase were in a song  written forty years ago, by Yes. Sad to say the words did not Resonate loudly enough. The song came to mind while sitting and pondering what is to become of Us, as People without Character. I am totally bewildered by People who think that they are the Universe, the reason the Sun shines. For instance O.J. Simpson, Aaron Hernandez, Phil Spector, Claud Von Bulow and all who followed the Suite.People accused or Convicted or Heinous Crimes. Right down to the sixteen years Boy in Tampa who shot randomly into a parked Car. Sixteen and is already a Gang member, inside the car was someone he had a Beef with, Jackass minded as he was, he opened fire on the car killing a fourteen years old Girl. Sixteen years old and he destroyed two young Lives.

All because he took himself too seriously and overthought himself right over the Brink of Sanity. Now he will have the rest of his Life to reflect on the very moment he released that Bullet never to be reloaded. That is just one of the millions of stories of people crossing the line of good Judgement and insanity. Lauren Hill puts it best ” Talk turn cold and I run for my Gun. Homicides are part of our daily lives, So much to the point, numerous Television shows have  Spawned about people in a fit of Rage or for Financial Gains, thinking that they can get away with Murder. In a World gone mad Mayhem rules the Media. My friend and I Joke that when something out of the Bizarre happens, we say only in Florida and hopes what happens in Florida stays in Florida. Far be it to be Isolated to Florida, it’s Global. If the Bazaar is Fad, then it’s Viral.

Like they say they don’t make them like they used to. Never more so than in People. Having been acustomed to the Push Button Lifestyle you believe that Life should not throw you any Curveballs or you will act out. Look at the Las Vegas Shooter, he took a vantage point from a Hotel Window high above an open-Air Concert with enough Ammunition and Armaments to keep the Red Coats at bay. The humor is for the Advocates. Nonetheless another one over the deep end. Whatever it is that burnt a hole in his Ass, that we will never know, grinding Axes is like taking Poison, while waiting for the other Person to Die. Whatever it is that brought him to Destruction must have consumed his every waken moments.

And that is the point of this Blog not using rationality through dark moments of making decisions that you will live with the rest of your Life. Or Die with your dark Secret. The average Person in a moment of Heat will act adversely, sometimes over the edge of Sanity. Our Prison System is Bulging and daily takes in  new Tadpoles into its Canals, as early as Juvenile. Life is Somewhat of a Science, to each action there is a reaction, by not Blowing up on Society you get to maintain your Liberty. Anger Management is way underrated, it should be thought when Toddlers throw Tantrums for the first time. those of us who deals well with adversity are the ones who gets to live another Day, in more ways than you think. It also allows the recipient of your wrought to live another Day.

We are all born with our own Demons, you don’t believe me let’s go back to one of the first Men to have walked this Earth. Cain killed his Brother for no apparent reason other than Jealousy, and it remains today. How we deal with our Demons define who we are and the strength of our Characters. People of strong Character die for their Beliefs. People with no Character kill for little or no Reason. Bottom line they have very little or no foresight to know that no good Deed goes un-punished. Either in a Courtroom or the Court of Karma, justice is the Common Denominator. We are living in a Society built on Laws and run by Laws. Thinking that you are an Entity or greater is a common flaw among big Egos. Just take a look at all the fallen Celebrities. Like the Man said ” The bigger the Bill the harder the Fall”.

When I met Mark Harshbarger he was in his early twenties. He confided in me that he was covered with almost two hundred thousand Dollars of Life Insurance. Years later his Wife Marybeth an Avid Hunter and Sharpshooter, who have hit Bulls Eye at one thousand yards. Shot and killed Mark under 100 yards claiming she thought she was shooting at a Bear. At the time of his Death he was covered close to a Million in Life Insurance, while She had an affair with his Brother. It’s People like that who motivated this Blog. In the middle of writing this Blog I am watching Dateline, right in front of my face my Blog unfolded. A handsome Doctor is sentenced to Life for using Murder to get out of the Marriage. He took himself far too seriously thinking that he could outsmart the World.

It all boils down to Respect for individuals Rights. Such as the right to say no for instance. Not indoctrinating your kids to Respect others Rights is paralleled to raising a loose Canon. What else could produce a sixteen years old to commit Murder, or the one who Raped a sixty years old Woman, approaching his seventeenth Birthday he raped a seventeen years old college bound Girl, gave her such a severe beating, she is now a Vegetable for Life, can’t eat, can’t speak. What else could produce such a Monster than bad upbringing. The Analysist always ask the question” do you Hate your Parents” whereas the question should be do you Hate Society. Blaming society for all your pains is wimping out. The Bible says we are Guilty by Thoughts Deeds and Action. Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step towards Maturity.

Many Men grow old and never experienced Maturity, I often wonder how is that possible. Living in your own Dream World, anything is possible. One year ago one of my Neighbors killed his Roommate who repelled his advances, he told the Cops that he  always had a hard time dealing with rejection all his Life. Now who is the Kid that’s afraid of the Dark, he was seventy one years old, and never took the time to grow up. If you are sixteen years old and you Lashes out on Society and it lands you in Jail, your upbringing is flawed. Worst of all you fail to be the Captain of your Ship, blaming everyone for your broken Rudder. There are Orphans who have Risen to the Occasion and made great contributions to the same Society that people with two Parents and the comfort of stability, try to undermine and destroy with Terror.

All because they can’t deal with adversity.They say that in each Life the Rain must fall, in some it’s a torrential downpour. How we deal with the Rain defines our Characters. Working in the Justice System have proven to me that a good many of us is lacking strong Characters. One of my coworker and I have great discussions about the People in our Town. The discussions usually ends that there must be something in the Water, that brings out the worst in People. A little adversity in their lives and Mr Hyde pops out. Sometimes there is no Rain falling yet they end up in deep water. For instance, my Hometown has been Plagued with juvenile Car Thieves for the last five years. Some Offenders as young as fourteen, some have lost their lives in bad crashes, burnt crisp.

When caught, the Kids say that they are Bored. What a Crock, when I was fifteen working after School stocking shelves in a Supermarket and trying to stay abreast of my homework I didn’t have time to be bored. Furthermore I was a Deviant who was threatened with Juvenile Detention. My Life was well structured, yet I chose to test my Mother’s will. When I was sixteen going to a Party” I was told what time to be Home. Five hours beyond my Corfu I came Home Shit- faced. She stayed up all Night with a Broomstick waiting for me. One strategically placed whack dropped me to my Knees. That sobered me instantly and cured my bad behavior.  In today’s society and  Courts If you leave a bruise on your Children it is Child Abuse. If you’re not afraid of Consequences and  you have no structure in your life, naturally you have time to steal Cars four A.M. on a Sunday morning.

One of my Neighbors killed himself and his two young Sons, his Wife has permanent Scars
The Driver of this Maserati killed himself and his two young Sons, his Wife severely injured. He was Drunk, Talking about Responsibility.

 

If you’re looking for Root cause, you need to visit the place they call Home and the so-called Parents. As a result of poor Parenting and Child Abuse Laws, there have been an Erosion in Core Values. Can you imagine fifteen years old with multiple Warrants outstanding. Furthermore going to Car Dealerships and removing Cars from the Lot is not a game or a Hobby it’s Grand Theft. It’s the life you choose to fall through the Cracks and live your life in our Prison Systems off the Taxpayers. All because you refuse to grow up. Taking responsibility for your Life is what growing up Right is all about. You are never too young or old to take responsibility for your actions. When confronted with tough Decisions weigh everything out to the point of being able to live with your Decision. Do not outfox yourself, think beyond the moment. Wrapping up the Line of Insanity, Wednesday July 31 2019 the Pilot of a major Airline reports to work visibly intoxicated with a Bottle in his Bag. On that note I rest my Case on good Judgement and Responsibility.

Related Stories

A Florida police sergeant was hospitalized Monday night after a 15-year-old driving a stolen car crashed into the officer’s vehicle, authorities say.

St. Petersburg police told Fox13 the sergeant was heading west on 18th Avenue South when his car was struck by a blue Toyota Camry driving north on 7th Street South. Investigators say the teenage driver ran a stop sign at the intersection. The sergeant and three passengers from the Camry were taken to a local hospital to be treated for non-life-threatening injuries.

The 15-year-old was arrested on outstanding warrants, the news station reported. Officials say charges will be filed against him, but they are still searching for the owner of the car.

Monday night’s crash took place hours after Phelexis Jakara Robinson, 26, was killed in a hit-and-run accident by another suspected car thief. Robinson was trying to fix her car on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard when a person driving a stolen Infiniti sedan struck her and fled the scene. The driver in the hit-and-run has yet to be apprehended.

Tampa-area authorities have struggled to prevent teenagers from stealing cars in recent years. A 2017 Tampa Bay Times investigation found that Pinellas County saw juveniles being arrested and charged with grand theft auto at a higher rate than any other major county in Florida.

“These kids walk through the neighborhood, they try the car doors, and if the car has a push start, they press the button and see if it works,” St. Petersburg Police Chief Tony Holloway said at a Tuesday news conference. “It’s that simple … They’re driving these cars at 70 and 80 mph, running stop signs and they do not know what that vehicle can and cannot do.”

Click for more from Fox13News.com.

Fox News’ Kira Grant contributed to this report.

Fox News’ Kira Grant contributed to this report.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Taking Control

Taking Control

Working in a Justice System has been a true revaluation for me, of the importance of good Parenting. The other day I was sitting in the parking Lot, directly across the Street was a sprawling Building. This Building was the Juvenile Detention Center. While sitting there looking at the tiny Windows, I wondered to myself how old was its youngest Resident. I also wondered if by the time he made it back home would he have been rehabilitated or at least seen the Light or the evil of his way. It was then that it occurred to me the importance of good Parenting. The importance of bending the Twig before it grows into a thorny Tree is of Tantamount Effect. Junior was only eighteen Months old when he decided to test his will and witts against mine.

Sitting in his Highchair throwing a Fit, he tossed his spoon on the Floor several times. Unwittingly I picked it up each time, washed it and put it in the Bowl. After several times of repeating this game I removed him from his Highchair and placed him on the Floor next to the discarded Spoon. This was his first lesson that he wasn’t going to have things his way all the time. By you picking up that Spoon for the twentieth time, controlling and manipulation is now one of his Trait that could lead him to the Detention Center. They come here from every socio economic structure imaginable. I remember when I started Blogging one of my Boss asked me what I Blogged about. I told him among many things, problematic Teens were one of my main interest. He visited my Website and browse some of the Articles. The next day he saw me he congratulated me on my insights. He told me that he had a Teenager at home that was heading down the wrong Road. This guy was the Director of Marketing for a Company that made over one Hundred Million that year. I am quite certain that he was properly compensated. His kid had no reason to be a Rebel without a Clue, yet he was. Two years later I am now working in the County Justice System and here was my ex Boss making an appearance with his Kid.

As I mentioned earlier, they come from all walks of Life many times it starts with dropping the Spoon, by you not laying early ground rules, setting Boundaries and limitations. You are not preparing them for Society. Society is a Tangled weave of Laws, you can get arrested for spitting on the Ground, so what of the other thousand of infractions. If they can’t or won’t abide by your Rules what makes you think that they will abide by the Laws of our Legal System. My Mother was a hard working Christian Woman, yet at fourteen I Dreamed of being a Thug. I was only fourteen when she found an ounce of high grade Marijuana in my Pocket while doing the Laundry.

She gave me the option of a Cot in a Juvenile Detention Center or changing the Road I was Traveling. That tough Love navigated the rest of my Life. With one Arrest and conviction I could not be Working in the Justice System. When my Mother was laying down the Laws, how was I supposed to know that she was looking out for my future. As a Parent by you not laying down laws and rules while you are still in control you are paving the way for future court appearances, and Jail time. Your Kid may be the smartest and most talented kid in the World, If you don’t teach them Humility and let them know that there are Boundaries and consequences in Life. Society will chew them up and spit them out in the Justice Systems. Look at O.J, look at Arron Hernandez, he made it to the top of his Game along the way his Parents never told him that he could not get away with Murder. A wise Man once wrote ” it is better to build Boys than to mend  Men”

Here are excerpts from the Book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.

Who’s in Charge Here?

For years, Ryan had appeared headed for a life of irresponsibility. He lived like a slob and had increasingly resisted his Parent’s badgering about his sloppy appearance, grungy clothes, messy room and that”infernal music” thudding through the walls. At thirteen Ryan simply”forgot” to do his chores. The older he grew, the more defiant he became. At seventeen, he started drinking even on school nights and experimenting with drugs, both of which were murder on his grades. He went out with girls running with the wrong Crowd, such as Desiree, telling his Dad, “she comes from a broken home and needs me as a counselor”, prompting his Dad to counter sarcastically, ” Just what kind of counseling techniques are you using”.

Ryan had long since blown off the hallowed family tradition of kissing his parents good-night. Now they were lucky if he just yelled through their master bedroom door, “I’am home. Allan responded to Ryan’s moral slide by losing his temper and yelling. Or “you have the social traits of a bum!” Sandy would mutter aloud, “I know this is a Kid I wouldn’t take off the shelf myself”. Ryan, of course, just sneered. He had his Parents emotionally eating out of his hand, and he knew it. They knew it too. But they felt helpless to reassert control. Then Alan and Sandy attended a seminar that introduced them to the Love and Logic parenting approach. They learned that parents should take care of themselves first, let their children own their own problems, and allow them to live with the consequences of their decisions.

P.S.  It is better to take control as early as possible than waiting till they are heading for the Detention Center.

Life, Parenting And Relationships

Bullying

 

Rough Edges

Bullies are People with shortcomings and inadequacies, to be more precise they are People with Rough Edges. Usually they are unhappy and filled with envy.

There are many signs of rough edges, to say the least, the lack of Politeness, Humility and Grace shows the Granite in you. When a simple Debate brings out the Weapons, be they Words, Swords, Daggers or Pistols, you have crossed the line. Now we are dealing with Jagged Edges. The old adage Sticks and Stones is Fabricated. A thirteen years old Poet wrote, ” the mighty Arrow delivers a piercing blow, the Sword delivers a sharp blow but Words delivers the most Devastating of blows.

I can swear to that statement, I come from  mixed Genes, my Grandmother was a Mulatto Woman, My Grandfather was Pure African. The Complexions of their children were staggered. At six years old I felt the devastation of piercing Words. One of my Aunts who was fair skinned chose to embed in my impressionable mind that I was the Inferiority of the Family Tree. She tagged me with the name Blackie. That was my first encounter with Bullying, until today I still can’t understand why a grown adult would torment a Child. However it happens everyday in Families. Inadequate Parents use harsh words to chastise their Children, piercing Words that diminish the Child’s self-esteem. How crude and inhumane when you get it from your own Family. Kids in School were a reflection of their Parents rough edges. By the time I turned fourteen as a result of harsh Words and Bullying I was an Accomplished Street Fighter with a Reputation. I had all the qualifications of being a Bully, I was bigger than most Kids my age and knew how to fight. Instead I chose to beat down Bullies.

When it came to our upkeep my Mother was near fanatic, our appearances were immaculate. At eleven years old we moved in a Neighborhood where the closest School was Parochial. Dressing for School each Day we looked like Military Men on Parade. The white shirts were pristine, the Khaki pants were creased and the shoes polished to sparkle. In that Neighborhood were three Brothers, the Higgings Boys. Those Boys older than we were made it their jobs to send us home dirty tattered and bruised each Day. Up to that point my Brother and I knew nothing about fighting, we had no choice but to learn. Three against two, we learned fast and excell quickly. To some degree I think that we asked for the confrontations by taking the shortcut through an open field each Day. That made us sitting Ducks for daily Ambushes. Anyway these three Bullies got the worst of it. We got tired of going home tattered and dirty so we decided to send them home battered and bruised instead. We developed fighting techniques Bruce Lee would be proud of. My all-time favorite was putting my Books in my Brother’s Backpack and loading mine with Rocks. The first of the Aggressors would go down hard when introduced to my Backpack and the other Cowards would run and leave their Brother whimpering.

Three years later I was now in Junior High, one Day the biggest Bully in the Shool and the entire Neighborhood picked on me for no other reasons than to humiliate and humble me. I was seconds from crying Uncle, he was two years older than I and more skilled. At the moment of begging for Mercy, a huge Stick presented itself, the color of Mercy had changed. Every Limb that had brutalized me were introduced to the Stick. The fight started in the back of the School, I escorted him off the School Property, beating him with the Stick the entire hundred yards to the front Gate. For all the Bullying that goes on these Days, I feel compelled to tell you that the Kids in that School will tell their Grandchildren of that Day. They all gathered behind me Cheering the entire way to the Front Gate. It appears that there were no Teachers or the Dean in School that Day, no one tried to break up the fight.  By the time I got to High School my past had vanished, as if I shed my skin. No one knew of my fighting skills. I went to Taft High School in the Bronx, not the toughest Neighborhood in the Bronx. Nonetheless it had it’s Reputation, for this is where the Bronx Tale had Manifested. There were Fights everyday after School, Blacks against Whites, Gay Bashings and just plain Bullying. The first School Shooting occurred in the Basement of Taft.

When your Kids show signs of Bullying those are signs of rough edges, it is your Job to address it before they meet someone who will teach them Manners. It appears that my Tormentor came from a long line of Bullies his two older Brothers seventeen and eighteen were Executed by a Gang Firing Squad within a week of looking for me. Today Bullying is out of control, one Day my seven years old Niece and her next Door Neighbor made me blush with the words they called each other, in a war of Words. Bullying starts that early and goes all the way to Columbine. Nikalus Cruz was a Bully who got into many altercations and fights, ultimately his rough edges turned to jagged edges. To me it appears that the Boy could not handle his Parents miserably separation.

Nicolas Cruz
Killed 17 fellow Students

Most sensible People can tell when a Brushfire threatens to burn out of control. His Parents did not see, the Community did not see, his Classmates did not see and neither did the School. One Day the Brushfire became a Forest Fire, on that Day he went to School and Killed seventeen of his Classmates, then went to McDonald’s and bought himself a Meal. Did I mention Jagged Edges, today the World is consumed with Jagged Edges. In my old Hometown of Wilkes Barre Pennsylvania a Child Molester exposed, decided to kill his Victim and half the Block. Today he lives comfortably in a Prison for the Criminally Insane, his Drugs provided with my Tax Dollars make me Insane. Let me be redundant, Jagged Edges is the byproduct of Rough Edges.

Twenty miles from Wilkes Barre in a Road Rage incident a young Woman going to College cuts off another Driver to make her exit is shot in the Head by a seemingly intelligent young Man with Jagged Edges, and easy accessibility to Guns. Rough Edges is the Norm in today’s Society, you have Parents with rough edges, Teachers, Lawyers, Doctors, Priests and worse of all Politicians with Nuclear accessibility. As I have said over and again Parenting is the hardest job in the World. If you weren’t raised up properly how are you going to smooth out your Children’s Rough Edges. That’s why I believe that as soon as you find out that you are going to become a Parent, you should run out and buy a copy of Parenting With Love and Logic. I am not commissioned to promote this Book but many of my Blogs about Parenting is inspired by it. I could write Volume on the Subject of Rough Edges, at this point of this Blog I believe that I have made my point. Tolstoy I will never be, I believe that a Blog should have the same effect of a Book on one single Page. In conclusion, Rough Edges should be smoothed out before they become Jagged Edges.

P.S. Thank God my Mother Smoothed out my Rough Edges before they became Jagged.

 

 

 

 

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Life, Parenting And Relationships

Dogs

For thirty seven years every time a sex scandal breaks, all I ever heard from my Wife is Men are dogs. Even though I know she wasn’t referring to me. One thing she always said to me is that I was going to Hell for holding a grudge. Many a Days when she made me mad, I would crawl in bed, turn my Back to her and snored like a Bear, even if she was in her Birthday Suit and smelling like a Flower. That is what a real Man do, he does not put his Pride in his back Pocket, he does not abandon his conviction,  compromise his Ideals, sell his Soul, throw away everything, lose his Mind or his Career for a little Piece. And there you have it, the motivation for this Blog.

My first experience to Men who would throw it all away for a moment pleasure came when I was fourteen. Someone of great trust a pillar of the Community, a Teacher, tried to Rape me across the Street from a Police Precinct. If I had screamed the Cops would heard me loud and clear hollering Rape. The poor Dumb Rapist did not do his Homework, otherwise he would have known that I had a reputation of kicking Asses of people much older than I was. All for a piece of Ass he carried my souvenir for the rest of his Life, a Glass Eye. I Nailed him so hard in his Eye it almost fell out of the Socket and hit the Floor. I am pretty sure the Cops heard him screaming like a little Girl. That’s what you get when you stretch your Loins instead of your Mind.

Not long after that I kept hearing Rumors of Altar Boys being Molested and Raped by Priests I was still fourteen. I thought to myself maybe I needed to get a Gun to protect myself from the People who were supposed to Protect me. Three months away from fifteen I became friends with a twelve years old Catholic School Attendee, that Boy had access to more Marijuana than many Dealers, his Brother was one. Many days after School when we should be Home doing our Homework, we sat in the Schoolyard smoking some of the most Potent Strains , exchanging Stories of Molestation that went all the way up to the Bishop. No wonder that at twelve and fourteen our Heads were all screwed up smoking Marijuana trying to make sense of the Madness.

We were both deep into Music Jethro Thul’s Aqualong was one of our favorite, our favorite verse, eyeing little Girls in baggy Pants. Need I say more, we were being corrupted by Our Society. A few years later two Brothers the Timmins Brothers both sixteen years old were Arrested for a string of Rapes, probably twelve. All perpetrated on Seniors, Women old enough to be their Great Grandmothers. The World that we were coming into was unraveling in front of our Eyes. Sex was now more important than Morality and everything else. Sodom and Gomorrah had resurged. And still have not gone away. Over the years stories of Infants, Adolescents, Teenagers and grown Women being Molested an Raped has made it to Epidemic status.

Which takes me back thirty seven years when I first heard my Wife saying that men are Dogs. At this point in my Life I beg to disagree, they are Primates- Cro-magnon, still wearing Loincloth hunched over. When your primitive Sex drive outweighs all, including your freedom, your Career and your Dignity calling you a Dog is an insult to Man’s Best Friend. Which makes me ask the question is Testosterone the Driving force of Life? It has been speculated that Cain killed his Brother over a Woman, Countries gone to War, Kings Abdicating their Thrones, Rich Men giving up Fortunes, over a Woman. My English Literature Teacher’s words resonates in my Head ” what is the Author not saying” it’s not a Woman it’s the Itch.

Failure to control the Itch has made Monkeys out of many Great Men. Judges, Doctors, Presidents, Bishops, Clergymen, CEOs, Teachers, Actors, Comedians, Television Personalities, Fathers and young Boys. Many are sitting in Prisons because they acted like Dogs in Heat. They lost their freedom and everything all because they never heard of a cold Shower, now they are showering with big Burly Men who take what they want, even if you are only eighteen and a Virgin. Two years ago in Tampa, a young man of seventeen was Arrested and Convicted of two Rapes. He raped his first victim when he was sixteen, the victim was sixty. Barely seventeen he attacked his second victim, she was seventeen and College Bound with great aspirations.

He gave her such a severe beating she is now in a Vegetative state unable to speak or eat. May God help us all for what we’ve become, Chimpanzees in Heat. My Wife is an Avid Reader, she finds Stories that doesn’t make Mainstream Media. The other day she informed me that one of my favorite Personalities was Raped by her Dad a Minister. She was in her early Teens when her own Father Impregnated her. Again we are back in the Caves, your Granddaughter is your Daughter, Deliverance all over again. Since we are nothing but Barbarians at least one Custom should still be in our Penal Code, Castration.

Although I have written in many Blogs that you can’t always blame Society and the Parents for all your mal-adjustments. At this late stage in Life I am developing inward conflicts of those Beliefs. The Media sells Sex as if it was more important than Food, Kids barely sixteen becoming Parents, not mature enough to guide themselves, what can you expect from their Offsprings. For instance when I was thirteen a fifteen years old Nymphomaniac lined up four other Boys and myself and introduced us to Sex. I am beginning to convince myself that it is a Parenting issue. Although The Media doesn’t help being Manipulative and Suggestive. When I was younger I used to think that the Moral Majority was Intrusive and Overbearing, all that has changed with the aforementioned. Without Morality we are back in the Caves Naked and without a Candle.

Parenting And Relationships

Ownership Of the Problem

 

When I started my first Website which I lost due to improper Domain Registration, that Site was strictly Dedicated to Parenting. Doing Research on the Subject I came across a Book Titled Parenting with Love and Logic. I was so impressed that I contacted the Publisher and asked for Permission to Print Excerpts from the Book on my Website. Permission was granted with the Stipulation that the Excerpts didn’t exceed my own Blog Posts. I felt Privileged and Honored to receive their permission. The following Excerpts caught my attention, so here is the first of many to come.

 

 

Love and Logic Principle:

Let Teens Own Their Problems and Their Solutions

Love and Logic consultant parents help teens through life by offering choices and sharing control in the process, all the while building on their teens healthy self- concept. They let teens own their problems as well as solutions. Building a strong self- concept is the first of three things we can do with teens so when they reach the age of temptation, we’ve got a chance that they are not going to abuse drugs and alcohol or engage in other risky behaviors. The second thing we can do is to help teens learn how to make decisions. We do this in part by letting them own the responsibility, including the good feelings as well as the disappointments of those decisions, planting in their consiousness this idea: ” The quality of my Life depends on the decisions I make.” Third, we can make it clear who owns the responsibility for a particular problem.

 

 

 

If Parents don’t draw clear lines of demarcation when they are called for, they and their teenagers are in for a lot of grief. Let the teens own their own problems, their own feelings, their own disappointments, their own rewards. One of the worst things we do is give teens the message that they shouldn’t do something because the logical consequence of their action is to make adults mad. First that encourages them to shape their actions according to the voices outside their heads. And second it can reinforce an immature rebellion in some teens who will go out of their way to make adults mad.

 

 

 

Either way they don’t own the situation. For example, let’s say your daughter is Driving the family Car and she’s tempted to show off for her friends. Should she be thinking, Boy if crash this car, my dad’s really going to be mad is that how a mature teen would react? If she is a sensible young woman on her way to healthy independence, that’s not what she’ll be thinking. Instead she will say to herself, gee if I crash this car, I am going to splatter us all over the highway. Guess I better be careful. It’s the teens responsibility to own the problem and find a solution. But that’s not as easy as it sounds, because we are tempted to rush in like Helicopters to protect our son or daughter from the real world.

 

 

 

Or we march in like a drill Sergeant, bark a few orders, and expect the teenage troops to fall into line unquestioningly. Those temptations must be resisted. As a person in the helping profession of Education,  I always felt tempted to solve my students problems. So I had to train myself to do something different by using a keyword: Bummer. Whenever I used that word, it reminded me to be careful. Don’t solve the problem for him. Don’t give him a solution. Don’t give him advice,and don’t be defensive. Let him do the thinking. And when the student hears bummer it sounds emphatic. Gee too bad Bummer. I bet that feels lousy. If we show that we understand how they feel, we hand their feelings back to them-  for their control, not ours.

 

 

 

Ownership of problems also flounders when we confuse praise with encouragement. Twenty years ago Public Schools began using something called positive reinforcement. That philosophy says That if we spend a lot of time telling teens how well they are doing, they will do better. This approach works well with teens who sees themselves as a 10 because they don’t have to search for proof to backup their self-image. But how many teens in our classrooms or homes really consider themselves 10s? We encourage teens best by talking to them as adults.

 

 

 

We do not build self- concept by telling them they’re good. Teens with a poor self-image will simply discount it, and they will probably end up worse off than if we said nothing. One day teens are down; the next day they’re up. It goes with the territory. We can help by criticizing them as little as possible and by refraining from telling them what should be discovering for themselves. We want them to think for themselves, so we should be asking them questions instead of ordering them around. When they say they are going to do something stupid, we can respond, “Well, that’s an opinion. You can do that. Have you ever thought of this”this and this? We wish you well, and we will still love you no matter what happens. By talking to teens as if they were Adults, we convey the strong message that we expect them to act like adults and take charge of things in their lives. But we certainly don’t do this by Lectures or Threats.

Excepts from Parenting Teens with Love and Logic